Miles-a-Minute Challenge #24: Covering Up

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Make Up."

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Discuss/Describe one character flaw that you cover up and how you cover it up. What do you actually accomplish by covering it up?

I cover up how concerned I am about what others think of me. I try to act all friendly and put together, but in reality I am daily scared that if I do something wrong or stupid at work, I'll get fired (especially when I accidentally broke the glass front of the service deli's hot case while closing their department a little while ago, and yesterday when Rosanelly chewed me out for baking our French bread in the oven at the same time as service deli's whole chickens, claiming that that's cross-contamination, even though they were on separate racks and I changed the temperature and everything...service deli's not even supposed to use our oven for their chicken, but sometimes they break down their oven really early and then have to use our oven to make more chicken). And I want people to like and accept me, which is why I try to be friendly with everybody and avoid the crazy drama that happens at my work. I do this in other areas of my life too - try to be at peace with everyone, not rock the boat. Not that there's something wrong with that - Paul wrote "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Romans 12:18, ESV), and in Hebrews it says "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14, ESV). But I think in my desire to be accepted, I have made myself a bit of a doormat, someone who's not able to stand up for myself because I'm afraid of what people will think if I do. And that's a problem obviously. 

What do I accomplish by covering it up? Not much. It usually doesn't stay covered up for long. Usually it bubbles up by way of venting, complaining, or in extreme cases, tears. It reminds me of the SeraMyu song "Ii Ko wa Yameta" (The Good Kid Quit), in which the usual good and kind Ami, now turned evil by the Dead Moon Circus, sings: "Friends and adults, everyone says I'm the one who's a good kid. What is it! Being a good kid! Studious, well mannered, always in good spirits, gentle, and smiling. Shut up! I've had it! Shut up! Disgusting! I stopped being a good kid!" It's that sort of frustration that I feel when I keep these feelings bottled up inside me. I get bitter too. I swear, there are days I get so frustrated I just want to punch somebody. (I don't, of course...I'm not stupid. Usually on those days I either try to calm down or I work out my anger by playing some fighting video game like Super Smash Bros or Soul Calibur where I can beat the crud out of some non-realistic virtual people). The fact that I'm also a perfectionist doesn't help matters. And also people with Asperger's sometimes have trouble expressing their feelings. So there's that. I do have that problem; I'll feel something but not know how to explain what I'm feeling in words. 

So not sure how to be honest about this...sometimes I can be, but other times it's hard. At least I have places like this diary to share them. As the Jem and the Holograms song "Dear Diary" goes: "Who do I turn to when I'm feeling bad/Whether I'm happy, angry or sad/It's you dear diary/It's true dear diary/It's you dear diary/You set me free...Personal secrets (dear diary)/Where can I share them (dear diary)/Ongoing problems (dear diary)/Where do I air them/With you dear diary."

"Ii ko wa Yameta" lyrics from <a href="http://innocent-ami.com/media/lyrics/iiko.html">Innocent-Ami</a>.

"Dear Diary" lyrics from <a href="http://www.rockjem.com/lyrics.html">Rock Jem</a>.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #23: Imitation

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Betty."

(Also, Miles-a-Minute is now available for Android, meaning I was finally able to get it on my phone! This is my first time trying it out. Just look for it on the Play Store).

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Discuss/describe who in your life is worth imitating, and why.

Well obviously God is (that's kind of the moral of this video). But as for human beings...I'm not sure. I mean, I have heroes. Joan of Arc, Aung San Suu Kyi, Condoleeza Rice (a little bit). I have people I admire as well, like certain writers, the late Verity Lambert (the first producer of Doctor Who), Antonio Mendez (the guy Argo is about), Zlata Filipović, Erin Gruwell (the teacher from The Freedom Writers Diary), Takeuchi Naoko (the creator of Sailor Moon), the ladies of CLAMP, and some of those Christian mystics I've read about like Julian of Norwich.

I'm not sure who in my life is worth imitating actually...would have to think about that one.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #22: Where Do I Go for Fulfillment?

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Bar."

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Discuss/Describe where you go on a regular basis to find a sense of fulfillment.

Hmm. Well not to a bar. I don't drink.

I guess there's not a physical place, except my room. I do tend to withdraw from people a lot. But I do escape to books and fantasies a lot. How that fulfills me exactly I'm not sure, other than being an escape from the real world and all its problems. 

I also find fulfillment through writing stories, maybe cause I am using my God-given talent, and also maybe cause when I write a story, I can control everything.

There's a kids' song I learned either in church or off some cassette, I don't remember. It goes "Life without Jesus is like a donut, there's a hole in the middle of your heart." The point there is that life without Jesus leaves us empty, with a hole in our hearts that only he can fill. As the bridge continues: "It may be OK for a while/but the truth will wipe away your smile/There’s something sad inside me I cannot control/When I think about the donut hole." You can fill the hole with other things, or even just ignore the hole, but ultimately it's gonna make you sad. The second verse of the song compares life without Jesus to something I personally hate, flat soda: "Life without Jesus is like soda without the bubbles, life tastes flat full of troubles." It's the same principle - life without Jesus is unfulfilling and empty, just like flat soda is unappealing to the taste buds.

I guess what this means is that I should be finding my fulfillment through Jesus. And I admit, I did feel more fulfilled when I was younger and closer to God. That's probably why it was easier for me to smile. But as I grew up, and trials began really rocking my faith, I began feeling less fulfilled, started complaining more, and didn't smile as much. Complaining is definitely a sign of not being satisfied or content with your life - look at the Israelites under Moses. They complained all the time, even with all God did for them. 

How can I find my way back to that fulfillment I had? Is it too late? I hope not.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #21: Helping Others

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Russell Wilson - Super Bowl."

(Coincidentally, Russell Wilson is the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl today).

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Discuss/Describe one group of people in your community that you would enjoy reaching out to and helping. Explain how it will make you feel.

I think I would enjoy reaching out to people who are learning to read - either kids who are just learning or people who are illiterate. Reading has been such a big part of my life since I was very young (I learned to read at 3 1/2), and I would not have learned how to if my parents had not taught me. And from reading I have learned a lot of things. It is an important skill that everyone should possess.

It reminds me of how, when the Harry Potter books came out, they got a lot of kids into reading who didn't like reading before. While I haven't written much stuff for kids (really not since I was one), I would hope stuff I write would encourage people to try reading as well.

I got a taste of helping people this way after I joined Sigma Tau Delta, an international English honors society, while at CSUSM. Like is common with Greek societies, we were required to do community service of some kind. So a couple times a year, we went over to the preschool on campus (which is there for the purpose of students who have young kids, so their kids have some place to go and be taken care of while they're in school) and read to the kids. Basically we went out in the playground in the back and sat with the kids and read whatever books they brought us. This included books like Goodnight Goon (a parody of the classic book Goodnight Moon), The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog (a hilarious book!), and I'll Love You Forever (a very emotional book by Robert Munsch which was published way back in the '80's that my parents read to me when I was little). It was fun. You forget just how cool and interesting and sometimes funny kids' books are when you become an adult.

Also I contributed books to the Harry Potter Alliance's Accio Books book drive a few years ago. I donated some to my local library as part of the drive, and the rest I sent to them to be sent to a school in Rwanda. (I've also dropped books in the Better World Books donation boxes at school, though that's not as charitable an idea). 

I think helping people learn to read would make me feel very fulfilled, because I would be helping them acquire a skill that is not only useful for life itself, but also something that's very important to me and has changed my life.

I wonder if there's a ministry for this at The Rock? Or at least some place I could volunteer?

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #20: Your Aim

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Aim."

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Discuss/Describe in what area of your life might your aim be off, in relation to where you want to end up.

I think my aim might be awry in my career. Not that I don't think God wants me to be a writer. I've always felt he gave me the talent for and love of writing for a reason. But as soon as I started looking into trying to publish and stuff, it became less about having a talent I could use for God and more about becoming famous and supporting myself financially. I mean, whether I can live off my writing is an important consideration obviously. I have to be able to afford food and a roof over my head and stuff. But then I got obsessed with having a Plan B, a day job that could support me till my writing took off, and spent all this time and money getting a web design certificate so I could be a web designer, only to then have second thoughts about that cause I realized my graphic design skills suck. Which makes me feel like it was a waste of time and money doing that, and I would've better off not getting the certificate at all, and just focusing on my B.A. It would have saved me an extra year of school for one thing. 

Yet I went to the trouble to get a B.A. in something I loved (English - or "Literature and Writing Studies" as CSUSM called it) rather than something that will get me a job. Part of me doesn't regret it - I got to read a lot of great things, stretch my writing skills, and meet a lot of great people. And I grew my language skills by minoring in French, growing more knowledgable in a language I already love. But part of me feels stupid, cause now what am I gonna do as a career? As I tell people, a degree in English prepares you to do "everything and nothing" - it can be used in a lot of different jobs, but it doesn't prepare you for a specific job, like being a doctor or a lawyer or an accountant. I got grants all through university (a State University Grant and a Pell Grant, both of which I got just by filling out the FAFSA, not transferring till I was 24 and doing my own taxes, and working a job that doesn't pay very much, meaning the government thinks I'm poor, even though I live in a middle-class family) meaning the government basically paid for me to go to school...but for what?

I've spent 12 years "paying my dues" and working low-paying, part-time jobs. It's time for me to have an actual career. And I think after 12 years maybe I can afford to be picky. But how to go about it??

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #19: Virtues in Others

Here is my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Sand."

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Discuss/Describe three virtues you admire in a specific friend or family. When will you make it a point to encourage him or her about these observations?

My best friend Amy is hard-working, kind, and I think a lot more patient than I am. I mean, handling three kids that are as loud and obnoxious as her kids are sometimes has got to require a lot of patience. And she doesn't mind that I talk a lot when we're together, unlike some people (like my mom). Maybe it's a testament to our long friendship (we've been friends since fourth grade). Our friendship has been tested the last ten years or so, with her moving away and getting married and having kids and stuff. We've reconnected online and also now that she lives down here again. But it still holds true.

I will try to encourage her about this stuff when I see her next. Don't know when that will be though. We try to get together on my days off from work, but she's got a life too, plus she gets sick a lot.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #18: Temptations

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Softball."

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Discuss/Describe one temptation that you seem to always get stung by and what makes it so easy to get tripped up by it.

I've noticed particularly since I started working at my current job that I am often tempted to gossip and/or talk bad about people behind their back. At my work the environment is very conducive to that. It seems like people do it all the time. And in my attempt to fit in and be friendly with everyone, I find myself falling into the same trap. 

I also find myself knowing a lot about people at work, cause people confide in me a lot. This has gotten me into some awkward situations, where I knew both parties involved in a situation, and both wanted me to see their way on things, but since I was friends with both of them, I didn't want to pick a side. But sometimes I end up revealing to others what the person told me in the process of dealing with it. Usually only to the other party to find out if what the other person said was true, though not always. 

I think I fall so easily into this trap because so many other people do it, and I want to fit in and be accepted by the group. Plus I have a reporter's curiosity and like to find out things. And also a symptom of Asperger's is that you often vocalize your thoughts, so sometimes I even say stuff without meaning to. And now I have this nasty habit I'm not sure I can shake. Gah. What am I gonna do? I don't want to take this bad habit with me to my next job! :(

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #17: Damaging Habits

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Bentley."

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Discuss/Describe one lifestyle habit contrary to the Bible, that you practice. Describe the ultimate damage it will do to your life.

Well, I don't take very good care of my body. I don't eat well. I don't exercise like I should. I often don't get the amount of sleep that I should. I stare at screens for too long and have eyestrain because of it. I neglect making the proper medical appointments that I should make (physicals, dental checkups - once I went 6 years without going to the dentist! - visits to the eye doctor, etc). I don't brush my teeth every day. I never replaced my retainer when it got messed up, so now my teeth are all messed up again. I never did anything with the referral to an oral surgeon about my wisdom teeth. I was supposed to make a follow-up appointment to discuss my cholesterol test results but never did. I haven't gotten a flu shot. I don't do any sort of skin care. I have a flaky scalp, resulting in dandruff issues. I have issues with earwax stopping up my ears. I've probably damaged my hearing somewhat listening to music too loud. I haven't looked into fixing my issue with being unable to blow out my nose (which my mom thinks might be a deviated septum).

And then there's my mental health. Aside from going and seeing Dr. Feder, an experiment that ultimately proved unhelpful for the most part, I haven't sought any help for my Asperger's. Often I think I may have depression too, though that might just be mood swings from PMS (which I often fail to recognize as such till my period starts) or just a case of the normal old blues. I think I may have an anxiety disorder as well, as Dr. Feder speculated. I have ways of coping that are relatively healthy (well, healthy in the sense that they aren't self-destructive, like cutting...though I guess my emotional overeating isn't that healthy). 

Ultimately, if I don't change my ways, it is going to negatively impact my health. I run the risk of becoming morbidly obese. This comes with all sorts of health risks, like diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, etc. If I don't take care of my sight and hearing, I run the risk of losing them completely, something I fear almost as much as death itself. And there's risks for my dental health too (I think I already have some gum disease). 

As for my mental health, there might come a time I can't cope anymore and I might go insane or something. There are times I do actually fear I am losing my grip on reality. I guess that is one potentially unhealthy way I cope with situations - I slip into a world of fantasy, the world of the stories I write. But if I slip too far into them, I might start to think they're actually real and become delusional. And that's a scary thought.

Ok I'm scaring myself just writing all this. God, please help me to stop all this before it goes too far!

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #16: Resources

Here is my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Ambassadors."

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Discuss/Describe an incident when God sent more resources to support you than you thought you deserved.

Well, I know during tough times at school, when I was overwhelmed with papers to write and projects to do, and I was wondering how I would possibly get them done, God helped me then. He helped me buckle down and do the work and get the stuff done. In the case of Web Design 3, he gave me a teacher who was willing to stay after class to help me with stuff. He gave me the courage to go to my teachers' office hours to get help if I needed it. And also courage to challenge myself in my Writing Process class by writing stuff I might not have otherwise. 

Also, there's NaNoWriMo. I'll tell you, it is one of the most stressful writing challenges there is. Especially if you're not used to writing every day. But there is definitely support there if you want it. And God gave me the courage to seek it. I was more willing last year to go to the write-ins for my regional group. It meant a lot of Saturdays spent at Panera, but it was worth it. God gave me perseverance too, the drive to keep going and to win both times I've done it so far. And winning, even if you're striving for it from the beginning, is so rewarding. Cause it's real easy to fall behind, and sometimes I fell so far behind I'd need to write 4,000 words or more in a day to catch up. And I'd be like, there's no way I can do that. But sometimes, miraculously, I was able to. 

I don't access the resources God gives us as his ambassadors often enough though. And the examples I just gave were times when he gave me resources for my own use, not necessarily for furthering his work in the world. I need to work on that side of it more. :(

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #15: Commitments

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Bridge Locks."

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Discuss/Describe: What do you believe are necessary commitments to having a lasting relationship?

Well I've never had a boyfriend, so it's hard for me to answer this. But I think you have to be committed to love each other no matter what, through the good times and the bad times. It's easy to love someone when things are going well, but when the hard times hit, it can be hard to love someone, unless your love is true. Times of trouble, the storms of life -- that's what proves what people are really made of. So I think that is the main commitment you have to make for a relationship to really last - to love each other unconditionally. As Christ loved us. Cause true love can survive anything.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #14: Will & Decisions

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Pray For Me - Will."

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Discuss/Describe a choice you are making that is not the will of God. Use that choice in the prayer below.

I am not using my money very wisely. I didn't tithe at all last year. I kept meaning to set it up at The Rock after canceling the tithing I was giving our old church (since we have switched churches, I figured I should stop giving money there). But I have yet to do so. And most of my money is going to food, junk food that isn't good for me. And if not that, it's being spent on me at any rate. I'm not saving for the future or giving toward God's work. Yet, I'm afraid of spending too much money cause having money makes me feel secure. But I shouldn't trust in it, I know, because it's temporal. I can't help it though...

Dear Lord, help me realize the gift of free will. Give me strength to rely on YOUR will regarding how I use my money. In Luke 22:42 it says " saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” Dear Lord, I pray that in all my choices I wait for YOU, and not my will. In Jesus name, Amen.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #13: Transformed Character

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Echo Location."

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Discuss/Describe one aspect of your character that you know God’s Word would transform, and say what it would look like after it was changed.

My fear. My fear of failure, my fear of what other people think of me, my fear of not measuring up, my fear of not being in control. Because as it says, "Perfect love drives out fear," and God is love. So naturally his Word would be that too. 

If it were changed, I'm not saying I wouldn't still have fear. A certain amount of fear is healthy. It keeps you from doing stupid things and hurting yourself or others. And I'm not perfect, so I might still slip sometimes into old habits. But it would make me a better person, because I would not be so ruled by fear. It wouldn't have so much control over my life, my decisions, my thoughts. I'm not even sure what that would feel or look like, cause honestly I can't even remember a time anymore when I wasn't this way. But it would be nice, I think. Liberating. Good for me. Maybe I'd finally be happy and satisfied with my life. Maybe I'd even smile more. People tell me I don't smile enough. I used to smile a lot when I was a kid, but then I got self-conscious I guess. Not sure what happened.

Anyway, it would be nice to not be so bound by fear.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #12: Get to Steppin'

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Liberty Robot."

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Discuss/Describe: Can you name one God command that you need to 'get to steppin' to get done?

I need to trust him more, let him direct my life instead of trying to do it on my own. Cause trying to do it on my own is not working very well. I fail, and then because I'm a perfectionist (and also have a near-paranoia fear of failure), I get mad at myself for failing. When it's not something I can do on my own anyway. :(

And yet, I'm scared of doing that very thing. The one thing that could make my life less miserable. *sigh*

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #11: Areas of Mistrust

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles a Minute video, "Fog."

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Discuss/Describe the most difficult step of faith you are facing right now, and why it’s so hard to trust.

Definitely my most difficult step of faith right now is stepping into the next phase of my life, the post-college phase where I go into a career, hopefully move out on my own and become independent. I've put it off long enough. It has to happen. But honestly, I am scared. Scared of the risk. Scared of the uncertainty. 

It's hard for me to trust God on this because I like to be in control of the outcome of things. I like to know how things will end, or at least be able to reasonably predict them. I don't like surprises. But I haven't been doing well trying to deal with this on my own. Just been delaying the inevitable. So I guess I need to "let go, let God" on this one?

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #10: On and On

Here's my Miles-a-Minute challenge answer for today's video, "On and On."

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Discuss/Describe the subject that you can talk all day about, and compare it to your knowledge of God’s love for you.

Oh there are quite a few. Anime, literature, video games, now Doctor Who.  And then some. 

As for knowledge of God's love for me...I'm not completely ignorant of that. 13 years of Christian school and 20+ years of church haven't been for nothing. I know what Jesus did on the cross, and how he rose again, and how somebody can get saved. I know, in my head at least, that he loves me. It's in my heart that there is a lack of trust and possibly even belief and knowledge too. I call it the "Gummi Berry Juice problem," after this one episode of Disney's The Adventures of the Gummi Bears that I saw a long time ago (Season 1, Episode 14 - "The Secret of the Juice") where Sunni Gummi is only able to successfully make the famous Gummi Berry Juice when she has the recipe in both her head and her heart, as her grandma does. In my case, I use it to refer to a spiritual problem where I know all this spiritual stuff in my head but don't feel or believe or know it in my heart. It's a real problem, and I need to fix it. Is it because I don't trust God enough?

I tend to go through life using scripts. For various situations in life I have a mental script, detailing the sort of things I am supposed to say and routines I am supposed to follow. Sometimes I get these scripts mixed up though, asking people if they need help finding anything (a "GM on the floor" script line) when I'm in the service deli or something. (Also sometimes when people say "Thank you" I accidentally say "Thank you" back instead of "You're welcome"). I guess this idea is to compensate for my social difficulties, since I primarily use them in social situations. I don't know whether this would work with sharing God with people or not though, since I don't have experience with that.

On spiritual gifts tests, I've never rated high for Evangelism (though Missionary was #2 on one of them). I know I should evangelize anyway, cause all Christians are supposed to, but I'm quite certain I'm not gifted at it like Miles is. I suppose mainly what you're supposed to do is help point people toward God and salvation, since the one who actually saves people is God, working in their hearts through the Holy Spirit. It's kind of like the character Evangelist in The Pilgrim's Progress. He only tells Christian how to get to the Wicket Gate that leads to the path of salvation. It is Christian who must get himself there:

"Then said Evangelist, If this be thy condition, Why standest thou still? He [Christian] answered, Because I know not wither to go. Then he have him a Parchment Roll, and there was written within, Fly from the Wrath to come.

The Man therefore read it, and looking upon Evangelist very carefully, said, Whither must I fly? Then said Evangelist, pointing with his finger over a very wide field, Do you see yonder Wicket Gate? The man said, No: Then said the other, Do you see yonder Shining Light? He said, I think I do. Then said Evangelist, Keep that Light in your eye, and go up directly thereto, so shalt thou see the Gate; at which, when thou knockest, it shall be told thee what thou shalt do."

Quite a bit happens after that, before Christian even gets to the Gate. His family and neighbors try to stop him, he nearly sinks into the Slough of Despond, he is deceived by Mr. Worldly Wiseman, etc. But he gets there in the end, and through many other trials, before finally reaching the Celestial City, and his journey inspires his wife and children to later follow him. And later on, when they go, much the same thing is told Christiana by her heavenly helper:

"Then said the Visiter, Christiana! the Bitter is before the Sweet. Thou must through Troubles, as did he that went before thee, enter this Celestial City. Wherefore I advise thee to do as did Christian thy husband: Go to the Wicket-Gate yonder over the Plain, for that stands in the head of the Way up which thou must go, and I wish thee all good speed."

I suppose I could do that. But how though?

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #9: Forgiveness and Mandela

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Mandela."

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Discuss/Describe one relationship that can be strengthened by your forgiveness.

I think my relationship with my mom might be one. We don't always see eye to eye. She is always telling me how to dress, has never believed I could ever possibly drive a car, and half the time spoils my plans by saying me having a day off from work would be a good day to clean my room (though granted my room usually needs it when she says that). Also both she and my dad are really paranoid about me being out after dark, even though I am almost 30. Which is why usually I don't go anywhere after dark, or if I get off work at nighttime and can get myself home, I come straight home. I think this is why, subconsciously, I turn down almost every invite I get from coworkers to go to a party or otherwise hang out at night (the other reason is probably fear of an uncomfortable social situation). And I wonder why I hardly ever get invited anywhere.

I think I need to be more forgiving of my mom; after all, she is my mom and probably just doing this cause she thinks it's good for me. Recently she said I need to take more adult responsibility, that she and Papa have just been enabling me to live a life where little is expected of me. Which is true. I haven't had any motivation to really change my situation. I would've probably been fine being unemployed and focusing on school when I got let go from my job in late 2006. I wasn't really motivated to look for work. (Though I suppose I would've been once whatever money I had in the bank ran out). I only started job searching cause my parents put their foot down and insisted on it. I was unemployed for about 2 1/2 months, before I got the job I have now. And that was 7 years ago. Granted, I'm seriously overqualified for this job, but nothing came of the jobs I was qualified for that I applied for (in one case - a job in the North County Times's Classified department - I got an interview, but when I showed up for the interview, I waited for an hour in the waiting room and they never called me back into the office for my interview...after an hour I decided to leave cause this was getting ridiculous. And yes, I did tell them I was there. Also, there was the time I applied for a job at the library...I filled out the application, went downtown to take the required test, had the proctors laugh at my California ID picture, passed the test - though not with a very high score - and then kept having to play phone tag to find out my next step, before I gave up). That job got me through school though, and has union protection and health insurance.

Anyway, sorry, back on topic...I need to be more forgiving with my mom. She probably just wants the best for me.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #8: Godly Counsel

Here is my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Hummingbird."

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Discuss/Describe one situation in your life that you could use wise and godly counsel.

Where to go in my career is a big one. I am at the point in my life where I really ought to be going into a career, rather than working all these low-paying, part-time jobs. I am out of college and have my degree, so it's time. 

But the world of writing and publishing is a big, scary place, a lot more complicated than I ever thought when I was younger and writing for myself. So I could use all the counsel I can get. I don't know people personally who might be able to counsel me in person, except maybe the people in the San Diego Christian Writers' Guild, but there are definitely resources online that I can consult, including The Anomaly forum (a Christian speculative fiction forum) that I haven't been on in ages. There's also the NaNoWriMo forums, among other online communities. I also subscribe to Writer's Digest, one of the top magazines for writers. So there are places I can get counsel for sure. I just need to be humble enough to seek it out, and to actually take it to heart. 

Cause humility is essential when it comes to taking counsel. In my Bible reading today, I was reading the story of David being anointed king and then his fight against Goliath. He was the youngest son and a shepherd, not the one you'd expect to be the next king. But he was the one God chose. And ultimately he was well spoken of; it was Saul's servants who suggested David join Saul's service. Yet interestingly, at the end of 1 Samuel 17, Saul asks his commander "whose son is that man who just killed Goliath?" David had been serving Saul in his palace for some time, and even became Saul's armor bearer, plus Saul had just been talking to David earlier that day before he went out to Goliath, yet he seems to have totally forgotten who David is. Odd. I would be surprised that David, who made such an impression on everyone else, failed to make a lasting impression on Saul at this point.

Sorry...tangent. Anyway, getting godly counsel for my career decisions would be a good thing.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #7: Information & Wisdom

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles a Minute video, "Pray for Me - Wisdom."

***

Discuss/Describe one area of your life you have not been using the information given to you correctly. Use that area in the prayer below.

Well I know a lot about God, having grown up in church and Christian school. But I haven't been using that knowledge to tell others about Jesus and lead them to him. I just keep it hidden, to the point that often times people don't even know I am a Christian. And that's not good. I need to use that information correctly.

Dear Lord, please help me better understand the knowledge I have in the area of you and of the Bible. In Proverbs 2:6 it says " For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding;” Dear Lord, help me in all my decisions. Let me be wise and lean on to YOU for all understanding. In Jesus name, Amen.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #6: Fleshly Appetites

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "White Castle."

***

Discuss/Describe one fleshly appetite that is preventing you from obeying God, such as a hunger for money, sex or power. Ask yourself, is this desire worth causing you to miss God’s best?

I think I do hunger for money, cause I freak out when I don't have money. Money is security to me. When I have a lot of it, I feel secure. Like I have some control over things. 

I think it is causing me to miss God's best because I am trusting more in the money than God. Also, a desire to hold on to my money might make me less inclined to tithe or to be generous to others.

There's nothing wrong with having money, but you aren't supposed to trust in it. "The love of money is the root of all evil" and stuff. Also the story of the rich young ruler, who wasn't willing to give up his wealth to follow Jesus. In that story, Jesus said it is hard for a rich person to enter heaven, and I think that is because rich people feel so confident in their wealth they think they don't need God. 

I need to learn to trust less in money...

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #5: "A Fool Returns to his Folly"

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Dog Vomit." (I know, icky title...I don't title these).

***

Discuss/Describe one form of “vomit” you are chewing on right now. (Eeww!)

(Eeww is right!)

By "vomit" the question means something nasty in your life that you get rid of but then go back to. It comes from Proverbs 26:11, which says: "Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly" (ESV).

For me I guess it's junk food. I know junk food is bad for me, but I like it so much I can't stop eating it. Actually probably eating in general is the problem. I'm an emotional overeater; I often eat when I'm not even hungry. Sometimes for me it's just something to do when I'm bored, or a coping mechanism when I'm in a mood. Like cigarettes are to some people. Or it's just a habit thing. Usually when I get home from work I eat something, even if I'm not hungry. When I get to work too, since I usually get to work early. It's just routine. In fact, it's become so routine that when I don't buy something I usually buy (since I also tend to buy the same food all the time), my coworkers actually notice and ask me about it.

I'm not sure what to do about this. A doctor would probably say I have to deal with the emotional root of the issue, otherwise the cycle's not going to stop. But how? I'm not even sure what the root is. *sigh*

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #4: Character Cracks

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Dam."

Discuss/Describe the most likely crack in your character that could spring a leak if it was subjected to enough pressure.

The one that comes to mind is pride. I have a lot of pride. And I think my pride is largely why I want to control things in my life instead of trusting God to control things. I'm too proud to surrender control. Or am I too afraid? Not sure which. But I know pride is definitely an issue in my life which needs to be addressed. Cause at the moment I'm definitely not "letting go and letting God," and I don't like my life. But at the same time, my pride won't let me take the risk of giving up control and letting someone else lead. And the devil could easily exploit that and make me think I don't need God. So I need to work on that.

Miles a Minute Challenge #3: Underestimated Talents

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Leopards."

**

Discuss/Describe one person whose talents you have unfairly underestimated.

I guess I may have initially underestimated my coworker Miyuki. She's a pre-med bio major who wants to go into medical research. She knows way more about science and medicine than I do and enjoys talking about it with some authority.

You wouldn't expect such a science whiz to also be artistic - after all, science is left-brained and art is right-brained, right? Well, it's possible. Cause Miyuki is also an excellent cake decorator. She often turns out much more creative cakes than the two decorators we have now too. While they play it more safe, she is more out of the box. And it pays off cause her cakes look great, even if they don't always sell immediately. And others have noticed her talent too - she also decorates on the side, and just did somebody's wedding cake. I told her it would be cool if she had her own little cake shop, to which she joked she'd be "the doctor with the cake shop."

People underestimate autistic people I think as well. Just cause autistic people like me don't do well socially (some even withdraw from society significantly), that doesn't mean that we're not smart or nice or capable of great things. Many famous historical figures are speculated to have been autistic, including Thomas Jefferson, Einstein, Mozart, and Andy Warhol. There are well-known autistics out there today as well - like animal handling expert and autism advocate Temple Grandin, American Idol finalist James Durbin, America's Next Top Model contestant Heather Kuzmich, Pokémon creator Satoshi Tajiri, and Britain's Got Talent winner Susan Boyle. I was actually quite inspired by Grandin's story in the movie Temple Grandin and have read a couple of her books. The recent revelation of Boyle's autism was a surprise, but I guess makes her success on Britain's Got Talent even more amazing. I saw James Durbin on American Idol (he was on Season 10), and did like him a lot, even if his preferred style of music isn't my favorite. As a big fan of Pokémon, I was somewhat pleased to find out about Tajiri. It made me feel like I could understand why I was so drawn to Pokémon, a little.

I don't know yet why God made me autistic, and how he's going to use that in my life, and how my writing talent (which has been recognized since I was a kid by people other than me...sometimes I wonder if the reason I have such issues with people criticizing my writing is because when I was growing up all my teachers just praised my writing and kept saying how amazing it was and what a talented writer I was) will fit into it all. We'll see, I guess.

Miles a Minute Challenge #2: Bridges

Here's my Miles a Minute Challenge answer for today's video, "Coronado Bridge."

***

Discuss/Describe the bridges you are trusting in, to get you up to heaven. Good works? Money? A pretty face? Then discuss whether you believe those methods are foolproof, and have proven to have power over death itself.

Although I am a Christian and have grown up in church and Christian school, I think sometimes I do tend to focus on doing good works, and beat myself up for not "acting Christian." I went through this one phase where I was really legalistic and would get mad at myself if I yawned in chapel. Because to me, yawning meant I was bored, and when I was in chapel or church I shouldn't be bored. I should be there to worship God, pay attention to the sermon, do all the stuff you're supposed to do. 

But seeing as the majority of people in my life don't even know I am a Christian (I've had coworkers be surprised to learn I am one, which I guess I should be ashamed about), I guess I'm not doing a good job of "acting Christian" anyway.

So clearly doing just good works is not foolproof, and isn't going to have power over death itself. It's a good thing, but it's not enough.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #1: Living Out of the Box

I recently downloaded the app Miles a Minute, which was made by the pastor of my church, Miles McPherson. It contains video devotionals for each day, plus a challenge and prayer for each. I thought I would blog my challenge answers here, just to have some place to share them. Here's the one for yesterday, which I forgot to do yesterday.

***

Discuss/Describe what an ‘out of the box’ version of your life would look like. Then surrender that picture to God and give Him permission to transform you.

I'm not even sure what that would look like. But I guess it would involve me taking more risks. Cause I don't do that enough. I'm afraid to. I don't like situations where I can't control things, predict the outcome. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. 

For example, witnessing. I've never done that, at least in the traditional sense. I'm not even sure how. Yet when I took this one spiritual gifts test, Missionary was in my top three. And even if it is in my "gift mix," I'm afraid that using it will mean having to go out and preach to people in some jungle somewhere. I kinda secretly hope that I'll end up like Robin Jones Gunn, who wanted to do that sort of missionary work, but couldn't get it, and ended up being a missionary through her writing instead. Besides, I don't do well socially - I can't really help it, with my Asperger's. But I have been known to strike up conversations with complete strangers on the bus totally randomly, though usually cause of something they're wearing or something I overheard them say. 

On Christmas Day, we saw the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Based on the short story of the same name by James Thurber, it's about this guy who leads a fairly boring life working with photo negatives for Life magazine, who copes by engaging in a vibrant fantasy life, where he daydreams he's someone else, someone really awesome. Then, when he actually starts doing adventurous stuff in real life, he finds he daydreams less. 

I think I am the same way. I daydream all the time. I like to escape into some fantasy when I'm at work - or a lot of other places - just to keep from going completely mental. It's no wonder I don't have the kind of focus and work ethic I had in high school. 

But if maybe I lived more "out of the box," I'd do that less. Unfortunately, I'm scared as to what that might look like.

God, please help me. Help me not to be so afraid to take risks. Show me what living outside the box for me might look like, and help me to accept that to live that way could be better for me. Amen.

New Instagrams

I have created two new Instagram accounts this weekend, meaning I now have six - my personal, a multifandom account, and four RP accounts. I know. I am insane. In retrospect I probably could've combined Alys and Darren into one account. Too late for that now. Eh well.

My new accounts are:

-thelinguist_rp: The RP account for an OC Time Lord character whose story I've been working on for a couple months now. I finally got enough of the backup work done to feel good about opening the account. Already getting RPs in from an account for Romana (timeladyromana); need to figure out how to respond to those. (My character is a school friend of Romana's).

-mundane_elvish_timelord: My multifandom account. The name is a combo of three fandoms I am a part of: The Mortal Instruments (non-Shadowhunters are called Mundanes), Lord of the Rings, and Doctor Who. Basically this is an account for me to run rampant and be all geeky about my various fandoms without worrying about filling the account with a bunch of useless, unrelated junk. It frees up my companion_alys account, where my Whovian fandom stuff was mostly getting posted, to be the RP account it was always meant to be. Ditto with my other RP accounts (companion_darren and mulan_ouat [a Once Upon a Time RP account]), though I've done much better with those in terms of only RPing. It is intended to cover as many fandoms as possible - I have listed Wholock (a combo fandom for Doctor Who and Sherlock), Lord of the Rings, anime/manga, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Once Upon a Time, Star Wars, Tron, Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend of Korra (which for some disturbing reason has the fan nickname "Avatard"), and The Mortal Instruments, my newest fandom (I started reading the first novel toward the end of our time in Maui, which was about a month ago). But I also include "+ many more" at the end to cover my bases.

Anyway, check those out!!

What to Do With My Life?

Today is one of those days when I'm really tired and also depressed, and in those times I get pensive. And when I get pensive, I think too much.

And I am thinking, yet again, of what to do with my life. I thought I knew, but now I don't know for sure. 

I have spent 10 years in the workplace (give or take) and all of that has been in low-paying part-time jobs just intended to get me through college. Now that I have my B.A. (and will be THIRTY next year *gulp*) I think it's high time I move on to an actual career, something that can support a life on my own. 

I got a web design certificate in hopes of breaking into that industry. But I found the studies harder than I thought, and as far as the design side of things go, I lack artistic skill. Sure I can code a layout, but only a simple one. And I am behind on code like you would not believe (I taught myself HTML out of a kids' book about 15 years ago and didn't keep up with the learning). It was this being behind on code that has kept me from looking for a job so far. I kept feeling I wasn't ready. It's not like I couldn't have learned, though; there's Codeacademy, which provides all sorts of coding classes for free, and tons of blogs with tutorials on pretty much anything you want to learn. 

After some thought, I have decided design is not my strong suit. Content is. So I might as well play to my strengths (seeing as I'm working in a job right now which doesn't use them at all pretty much). But how to use this strength?

I have thought of web writing. This is a very vague term, obviously. But I can definitely write. And I have some web writing credits already, albeit old ones plus my more recent error guides and Kindle guide for Miss Dream. And Elly-sempai over at MD seems interested in having me continue to write for MD. In addition to this, the popular site WhatCulture is looking for Doctor Who contributors, which sounds right up my alley. (I'm going to check them out first, though, make sure they're legit and they aren't like super liberal or something). 

Also, my hosting and domain name for my web design portfolio expired a short while ago, which will give me a chance to start fresh with promoting myself. Self-promotion is something else I suck at. Well, sometimes. With Myu Corner I got lucky in that I managed to get some of the big names in Sailor Moon fansites to link to it mostly just by sending overly respectful e-mails asking them to. Every person I asked said yes, except Moonkitty.net and The Sailor Senshi Domain Group, both of whom said I didn't have enough content (which, at the time, I didn't). 

So web writing it is I think. Cause I do love to write. I realized this anew about a week or so ago when I was engaged in one of those "mock interview" fantasies (the ones where you imagine yourself becoming famous and going on talk shows and getting interviewed...maybe I'm the only one who fantasizes about this...I guess it will help me deal with IRL interviews in the future), and I happened to say, without even thinking, that writing is my passion. And it's true, it is. I love to write; it's a way to express myself, a way to keep myself sane, essentially my therapy. I use stories often times to work out issues in my own life. 

I went into the major I did for my B.A. because of writing too. Rather than go the practical route and choose a major with a clear career objective, I ventured off into English Major Land. And a major in English (or rather, Literature and Writing Studies in my case) basically qualifies you to do everything and nothing. It's not tied to a specific career (like pre-med), hence it qualifies you to do nothing specific. But the writing and critical thinking skills such a major cultivates are valuable to just about any career. Which makes it hard to choose one. My intention was to get the web design certificate that I got in order to provide a steady job for myself until my writing caught on and I was able to just live off being an author. 

But I think in doing so I lost track of what I really wanted. And what I've really wanted, from way back when I was a kid, was to be a writer, and to use my talent for God somehow, since I assumed he gave it to me for that purpose. Therefore, I had my eyes on going into Christian fiction exclusively, but now I am open to either Christian or secular writing, probably because I have read both. Obviously, they are two very different markets, with very different expectations and standards. 

At the moment, however, I need to practice, practice, practice. Hone my craft. In a way, it's like Lyra in the His Dark Materials trilogy -- while she was still an innocent child, she could read the alethiometer by instinct, but once she "grows up," she loses this ability and has to actually learn how to read it through study and practice. For me, writing seemed to come effortlessly when I was younger, and in some moments of bliss it is still like that today. But often times now I have to work hard at it, have days where I write amazing and things just flow, and days when writing is about as hard as climbing a mountain and produces writing that's not worth much. And some days I just don't feel like writing at all, and would rather play video games or watch TV or something.

So I think I need to get back to my dream, "the vision that first inspired me," as the song from Jekyll & Hyde goes. My dream, even in my junior high years when I aspired to be things like an ambassador (to be fair, I'm not sure I knew what an ambassador really was back then; my only knowledge of ambassadors came from the Olsen Twins movie Passport to Paris), has always been to be a writer. People were always telling me I was good at it too, which helped.

One way or another, I desperately need to find another job. Because my current job is driving me CRAZY. I won't say too much cause you have to be careful about that stuff online (which is why I almost never post about work on Facebook, Twitter, etc...because that stuff can be found and used against you - it happened to my coworker Amanda recently; she got in trouble for something negative about work she posted on Facebook). But lately work has become nearly unbearable. It is not a right fit for me, never was really. I just took it because I needed something, anything. Nothing had come of the jobs I applied for that I was actually qualified for. So I just had to apply anywhere I could.

But now I am ready to move on. I just need to get myself motivated to actually start. My coworker Miyuki asked me last night how my "escape plan" was working out, and I sheepishly told her nothing had come of it yet. Which is the truth. I honestly don't know where to start. I tried the Career Center at Cal State before, but the counselor there wasn't very helpful, particularly after I told her I was autistic, at which point she seemed unsure there were jobs I could get. I suppose I can put my perks from the CSUSM Alumni Association to good use; I think the perks include some database that is supposed to help you find work. I suppose there must be other resources too. Maybe ones specifically for people with autism? Although I have Asperger's, which is more higher-functioning than classic autism, and I think even for people with Asperger's I'm more higher-functioning than most, borderline neurotypical. I can hold down a job, for one, and I can function decently in society - I vote, I've been on two juries, I can handle social interaction all right. 

I still wish there was an expert that could give me direction. My mom, although she's a therapist, can't treat me because it's a conflict of interest. And the only other autism expert around here I know of is Dr. Feder, and we went to him already. We saw him three times and he wasn't that helpful. 

But I guess I have something to work towards. But how to begin? God, guide me please!

Started on Wednesday August 14th, written both on Blogger for iPhone and in the regular Blogger.

The Final Day's Reflection

Today's the last day of this so I think I can go ahead and safely confess it: for the last 40 days I have been on a fast. It's something my church has been doing, and my parents and brother have been doing it too. My parents have been more extreme about it, drinking juice and stuff. My brother has been fasting media. Me, I've been fasting snacks. And it's been hard; I've slipped four times. And now that I'm on the last day, I'm not sure whether it helped me in the way I think this sort of thing is supposed to. I went into it with the intent of seeking wisdom and guidance, like Esther did in the book of Esther, specifically on the future and my purpose and what God wants me to do regarding both. And I don't feel any more enlightened about it. Not to mention I haven't felt the spiritual euphoria Pastor Miles has said we should be experiencing. And I know what he means by euphoria, because he described what happened to him before, and plus I've read accounts by Christian mystics (Julian of Norwich, etc) where they describe the spiritual visions they had and the extreme feelings they experienced as a result. It makes me wonder if I've even been doing this right.

On the other hand, I have heard it said that God doesn't always (or maybe ever) show you the big picture. He just gives you enough for the next step, and you have to trust him for the rest. So maybe I have been looking at this from the wrong perspective, or asking God for the wrong thing. Not sure.

I did get something interesting today which might have been part of God's methods for getting through to me. You see, my coworker Tasi, a Meat Cutter, is also a Christian, and lately he's been writing Scripture on scraps of paper and passing them out to people randomly, including me. And the one he gave me today says this:

"Proveb 16:3 Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

Somehow I felt like that verse was just what I needed today. It was a good feeling.

Today I was reviewing my results from the last two spiritual gifts tests I've taken - the one I took for the "Discover Your Spiritual Gifts" class at North Coast and the one for The Rock, the church I currently attend. Though taken some time apart, I think there is some correlation.

On the North Coast test, my top three gifts (what the teacher called a "gift mix") were Knowledge, Missionary, and Service. Rounding out the top 5 were Administration (#4) and Helps (#5, and somehow different than service). On the test from The Rock, my results were:

1. Teacher
2. Prophet/Perceiver
3. Mercy/Compassion
4. (tie) Leader/Administrator & Server
6. Exhorter/Encourager
7. Giver

So some correlation, though the categories are different. A Teacher is defined as "the God-given ability to study, research, explain and communicate truth (e.g. Paul and Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:2)." A Prophet/Perceiver is someone who has "the God-given ability to communicate God's message in relation to the truth already revealed (Jude 3)...It is done for the purposes of encouraging, strengthening and comforting (1 Cor. 14:3). These have the ability to perceive the spiritual needs of others and meet those needs through Scripture." Mercy/Compassion is "the God-given ability to have immediate compassion for those who are suffering combined with great joy in meeting their needs (E.g., the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:30-37)." Leadership/administration is "the God-given ability to lead others in meaningful endeavors which demonstrates personal care and concern in order to meet the needs of others and encourage their growth (E.g., fathers in 1 Tim. 3:4-5, 12)." A Server is someone who "has the God-given ability to recognize a need and administer assistance to others" which allows other Christians to use their gifts effectively as a result. As for the last two gifts, I think they're probably self-explanatory.

I can see traits of all of these gifts I just mentioned in me. I admit on that first test, getting Missionary kind of scared me, because although I'm very interested in both travel and in learning about other cultures, the idea of giving up the rest of my life to go witness in some jungle somewhere (the stereotypical missionary example; I offer it as an example of my thought processes only) frightens me. And I fear a little that I would go on missions trips more out of wanderlust than out of any noble spiritual purpose, which I don't want (I used this excuse - because I realize now it was an excuse - to talk myself out of a North Coast missions trip to Romania to teach English and witness). Maybe I always thought I'd end up like Robin Jones Gunn (author of the Christy Miller and Sierra Jensen series), who I read tried to get a missionary job abroad but couldn't and ended up becoming a writer instead, that becoming her missions field.

I also re-read the pages people linked me to when I asked on Google+ for lists of the various jobs available in web design. Cause I want to figure out where I fit. Cause gosh dangit I've spent almost 11 years paying my dues, and now I want an actual career. One I might actually enjoy for once. Plus I want to make sure I'm promoting myself right on my web design portfolio site.

These didn't help clarify things much. Other than that I definitely am not going for a graphic designer job, which I knew already. My graphic design skills are improving, I think, but artistically gifted - in a visual art sense - I have never been. Despite the fact that there must be some of it in my genes since my dad is always doodling and is actually not that bad at it. I do have some sense of what colors look good or don't, though, and I watch HGTV all the time. I think any artistic ability I possess is primarily in my ability to act, which I think I had naturally but which has since been augmented by my drama classes. And maybe dance since I do like to dance and have a rather flexible body. (My liking of dancing is really the only reason I'm even considering taking a Zumba class - well that and the fact that my friend Marina took it and really liked it).

Well, ok, let's be fair: every time I've committed myself to reading these articles, I've been tired and not paid a whole lot of attention to them. So maybe I will do that now. Because I want this post to be complete and also to kill time, since I am considering having a snack as soon as the day turns, since I actually had my "dinner" on my lunch period at work, which was SEVEN HOURS AGO, and haven't eaten since.

First off though, the advice that someone gave me in a text comment in response to one of my posts asking for lists of jobs in web design:

Hi, I am new in the field as well...what I did was to take stock of what my strengths are and what training I had. Then I sought out a local Web Design house near me, setup a meeting with the owner of the small business and asked him roughly the same ?'s you have. When in doubt, go to the horses mouth, some say...so he told me there are generally 2 categories--1. Front end designers--graphic/layout/photoshop/overall look of site 2. Back end developers--essentially all or most of the programming--JavaScript, HTML, CSS, and other software linking a site to e-commerce servers, etc. In summary, with that info, I decided that I can do it all on my own, that I don't want to be an employee and be labeled or tasked with 1 or the other. I seek to be my own boss...I feel I have equal strengths in graphic design and the nuts and bolts--HTML, CSS, JavaScript, etc. Hope this helps??? Good Luck!

So basically there are the front-end people and the back-end people. The designers and the developers, essentially, to use the proper parlance. I technically have training in both areas, though I suppose I would be stronger on the developer side because my coding knowledge is quite good (though it needs improving) whereas my graphic design skills are, as I said, meh. I kind of like doing the whole package with my sites, personally -- and more or less fought for this tooth and nail during my Web Design 3 team project, insisting that we all 4 send wireframes to the client because I was convinced that if we didn't, I would be the one left out because I was the weakest on the team in terms of graphic design skill. I managed to convince Carmelina (our de facto team leader) to see it my way and we all four sent wireframes. I forget which one we went with in the end.

As for the article from Practicalecommerce, I think I am mostly Role 2 (Copywriter) and Role 5 (Site Promoter) personality-wise, even though I kinda suck at website promotion. With Myu Corner, I got lucky that my politely-worded e-mails asking sites in my subject to affiliate with me all worked out, that a URL in an e-mail signature about sending Magic Knight Rayearth scans scored links to the site from Manga-Style and Sailormusic.net (both run by the same person), and that I got accepted for listing at The Deep Submerge Directory/Ten(sen)shi very soon after launching the site (my friend Elly said she was very surprised at this as the owner of that directory is usually very discriminating about what sites she adds). Elly, as I recall, suggested not even to start advertising till you have a steady update schedule for six months, and to not expect a huge fan following till 5 years in. I, unfortunately, am not that patient and usually put the cart before the horse in terms of promotion, going all willy-nilly about it and then wondering why it doesn't work. I'm an insecure person with poor self-image who desperately wants to be an internet star, preferably a viral one, but has yet to accomplish it. And for about 15 years (give-or-take), I have been on that fruitless mission. Maybe I should give that up already and just admit that I will probably never be famous for anything on the internet, and that's ok.

In terms of skills, I'm probably a little of 1/6 (Web Strategist) and 4 (Technical Programmer).

And now for the list from AAAA.org. The following positions on the list appeal to me:

• Content Strategist
• Digital Strategist/Planner
• Digital Strategist/Planner (2)
• Flash Developer
• Flash Programmer/Designer
• Front End Developer
• Front End Developer (2)
• Information Architect
• Interactive Copywriter/Content Writer
• Web Architect
• Web Designer

On closer examination, I'd narrow that list down to:

• Flash Developer
• Front End Developer
• Information Architect
• Interactive Copywriter/Content Writer
• Web Designer

I have an unexplained fascination with Flash. Maybe because it was the first Adobe program I ever really learned how to use. (Photoshop, Fireworks, and Dreamweaver came later).

Then there's the article from DesignShack, which is actually about graphic design jobs (which makes sense, as DesignShack, despite its about page claiming it's about web design, always struck me as a graphic design-oriented site). Since I'm not trying to become a graphic designer, most of the article doesn't help me. It does give some job examples for digital design, however, and I can see myself as a Front End Web Designer or a Designer/Developer based on their descriptions.

(6 minutes left till midnight...)

And finally, I saved the big fancy one for last: the slideshow at dabrook.org, which really lays it out there, even quoting salary ranges for various positions. In this case, I see myself mostly in the "5 Build the Site" category, as a front-end developer, though the idea of being a Social Media Expert is also something I could probably do.

Whoa, one minute left till the end of the night. Gonna go ahead and publish this and continue later.

New Year's Resolutions...from last year

I was poking around the folders of stuff on my computer and found my list of resolutions for 2012. Which, ironically, was made in April 2012 rather than January. Let's see if I met any of them, shall we?

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2012

Personal Life Resolutions

1. Grow closer to God through increased Bible study & prayer.

2. Be independent or closer to it by the end of the year.

3. Do something about my weight.

I don't think I fulfilled any of these last year. Maybe #1, but I'm not sure.

Writing Resolutions

1. Finally revise Darkly Bound

2. Update my writing website

3. Work on my craft in general.

4. Work on networking & possibly submission

I definitely did NOT do number 1. Darkly Bound remains unrevised. I hope to remedy that in March by doing National Novel Editing Month. 4 I didn't really fulfill either. 2 I sort of fulfilled; I did update my site minorly, but not the way I know I was thinking of when I wrote this list. 3 is the only one I truly fulfilled, since I did NaNoWriMo and stuff.

Web Design Resolutions

1. Finish my Web Design & Development certificate

2. Become more well-versed in CSS & PHP.

3. Launch Sparkle Moon on the web

4. Finish missing sections of Myu Corner

5. Change Myu Corner layout, blog theme & incorporate blog RSS feed

6. Work on Anime Guide Database

7. Work on Starry-Dreamer Galaxy (Liquid Mercury, Ayeka's Palace, etc)

8. Learn more graphic design

2012 was the year I finished my web design certificate and was hoping to find a job in web design, which is why this list is longer than the others. So obviously I fulfilled #1. #3 I planned on doing but ultimately gave up on as a lost cause. #4 did not get completely done in 2012, though I am working on it to this day. #5 didn't happen; I had to re-start the blog and have not yet incorporated its RSS feed into the site (I'm still trying to figure out how to do that), and I haven't changed the layout from the original one, a very pink one with an iframe - one that was ok for what code I knew in 2009, but which is no longer acceptable to me (or probably to any web design-savvy person).

#8 did not happen on any consistent basis. #7 did happen to an extent; like Sparkle Moon, I ultimately gave the resurrection of Ayeka's Palace up as a lost cause, but Liquid Mercury and Come Fly With Me (a fanlisting for the TV show Pan Am), the other two sites planned at the time for "The Starry-Dreamer Galaxy" (my name for the collective umbrella of my starry-dreamer.net subdomains), did happen. Eventually I closed Come Fly With Me due to lack of interest from the net and declining interest from myself. But Liquid Mercury is still up: http://mercury.starry-dreamer.net. I need to edit the home page for the Galaxy to reflect these changes (and make it visible in mobile browsers; it's not fully visible now in mobile browsers cause the main part was done in Flash).

#6 refers to an ongoing anime/manga episode guide wiki project I am working on. I did not get much work done on that in 2012, other than starting guides for two shows I was watching in early 2012: Futari wa Pretty Cure MAX HEART and Inuyasha. My intent was to finish some guides to start the database off with, and then add guides as necessary. I still haven't tried "working" for some wikis to learn the ropes of them yet, though, like I'd planned, so the wiki is far from prime time yet.

#2 didn't really happen either, but then it was a pretty vague goal. Although in 2012 I launched my first full-blown site that included PHP elements (PokéSideGames).

Other Resolutions

1. Learn to draw manga-style.

2. Improve my French.

3. Explore other video-making programs.

4. Explore careers at Career Center & pin down one.

#1 refers to a challenge where I was going to go through the "learn to draw manga" books I have and post my drawings from them every day on my Tumblr. Yeah, that didn't happen. But I have done drawings from those books, and you can see some of them on my DeviantArt, which I launched in July 2012. I have more drawn than are posted on there; I just need to scan them.

#2 didn't happen. At least not in an active way.

#3 was another sort of vague goal. I did learn a little of Final Cut Pro in my Interactive Media Production class in Spring 2012, but unfortunately, I can't use it on my laptop because it's a Mac-only program and I have Windows. I tried to install Adobe Premiere (the closest Windows equivalent) on my computer, but it requires a 64-bit OS, which I don't have, so it didn't work. Actually I haven't made videos for a long time; I've actually been more or less boycotting YouTube since their one update that made it impossible for you to delete videos from your subscriptions after watching them (you used to be able to click a little x in the corner of the preview image for the video in your feed, but you can't do this anymore, and despite how many people have complained about this, Google has not provided any help or tried to fix the problem).

I'm not sure what #4 was about. I've done career research before at MiraCosta, and as an Alumni Association member I think I still have access to the career resources at Cal State's Career Center. So I'm not sure what I was thinking with that one.

As for my resolutions for this year, they're in the previous post.

Good night!

P.S. I fiddled around with my template to make the blog title and description prettier and more readable. Enjoy!

Merry Christmas...and looking toward the new year.

And once again I have failed to post in a long time.

Merry Christmas. Or belated Christmas rather. My Christmas was good. I already described it on my Tumblr, so I'm not going to describe it again.

I have a feeling I may not post on this blog much in the future. I'm getting more into my Tumblr. I mean, I do still like this blog, and I've had it for 8 years, but at times I like the active community of Tumblr and such. I think I will still use this as a sort of semi-private journal, a place for when I just need to write down my thoughts. Like what most people use a diary for as kids. That was always the intention of this blog. I acknowledged the audience at times (you can't really ignore them) but mostly just forgot they were there.

The end of the year is a time for reflection, and thus I am reflecting on my life once more. I think I do it too much though. It's some sort of curse I have; I am extremely introspective. Might be an introvert thing, might be an Asperger's thing, I have no idea.

We (my parents, my brother, and I) had a long discussion about stuff at the dinner table after Christmas dinner, and the idea of me living in low-income housing came up. I knew this was an option, and an affordable one on my current income, which isn't enough for a regular apartment unless I had roommates. But I think pride got in the way, and I didn't want to even look into that option. But now I am thinking maybe I should look into it. I'm almost 30 and it's about time that I move out. Of course, I may have to talk to my parents about this, especially since my mom doesn't seem to think I'm ready to move out, and my dad got all weirded out the last time I attempted to move out (some school friends of mine and I were looking into getting an apartment together). I mean, I lack skills essential to living on your own, like making a budget and cooking. And if I move out, I would probably qualify for food stamps and stuff, which I'd have to apply for. Depending on what my rent situation was, I wouldn't have as much money and thus would have to budget. The food stamps/EBT would help for food, but I'd have to pay rent and utilities at least, plus the things I pay for monthly like my bus pass, cell phone, and subscriptions to Hulu, Netflix, and Crunchyroll. (I might cancel the Crunchyroll one, since I haven't used that site in a while). Oh and now my Gamefly subscription. Plus I would want to tithe. And pay for internet access if I wanted it (unless it was part of the utilities). Cable TV I could do without; I did without it for about 14 years of my life. You can watch pretty much every show there is online now anyway (or through Netflix, iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, etc), so it's possible to live without cable.

Just sent in a form for my bank's Financial Freedom service. It's free for all members (I belong to a credit union, so we're called "members") and is supposed to help you get your money situation sorted out. Hopefully that will help.

Then there's the job front. I got my certificate in Web Development and Design, but nothing has come of it yet because I haven't begun job hunting. The other night at work I was thinking I should try to research the industry and figure out exactly what kind of job I'm qualified for. That would give me a place to start. Currently on my web design portfolio site I list myself as a "web designer and writer," but I guess that might be kind of vague. I suppose I could try Dribbble too, since a lot of web designers are on there. There is also the issue of if I switch jobs whether I'd still qualify for low-income housing and so on, since a job like that would likely pay more than I make now. I guess for entry-level it might be ok though. I would have to check. I think my mom probably knows more about these things. (My coworker Adam has an issue with this sort of stuff; the reason he's always complaining about his hours is that if he earns too much money, he can't continue getting the Social Security Disability benefits he receives because of his Asperger's...but then that's his problem. I've gotten along just fine with my Asperger's without government help, but then Mum thinks I'm really high-functioning, to the extent that my Asperger's doesn't affect my ability to have a pretty much normal life all that much).

My spiritual life is still a mess, and I'd like to work on that in the new year. I really want to get into studying the Bible, praying, and growing in that relationship. My parents and my younger brother seem more spiritually mature than I am. But maybe because I am not sure I like people who bring God into every conversation. Or nearly every conversation. Maybe my almost 6 years in a rather un-Christian workplace are having a bad effect on me. I don't know. Agh!

So, as of right now, my resolutions for 2013 are:

1. Get my finances worked out so I can come up with a budget.

2. Begin looking into ways I might be able to move out on my own.

3. Work on getting an actual career job.

4. Strengthen my relationship with God.

5. Stop being just a consumer on my social media accounts and actually be active. This is something I wrote about on my Tumblr the other day. I realized that the reason I don't have a big following on social media is probably because on most of my accounts, I'm not that active. I just use them to consume content primarily. Maybe this is because I never really liked social media much to begin with, and only got into it in 2008 because it was something everyone was doing. I still prefer forums/message boards, which I have much more experience with and which seem to allow for more depth of conversation. Currently, between my personal, writing, and web design promotion accounts, I have Facebook (twice, one for personal and one for writing), Twitter (times three), GetGlue, Google+, Pinterest, LinkedIn, LiveJournal, Tumblr, YouTube (times three), Scribd, StumbleUpon, Flickr (though I never use it), Dribbble, and Instagram. Not to mention minor accounts for Blogger, Crunchyroll, Photobucket, and Technorati, and my new Viggle account. Can you see why I'm in over my head?

6. Work on my writing.

7. Get my web design skills up to snuff, if necessary.

***

Those are the only ones I can think of right now.

Whoa it's super late. I better go to bed.

Oh one last thing. I have started a new blog. It's called TARDIS Thoughts and is a Doctor Who episode analysis blog. It's been up since October but I just recently started really promoting it. It already has an authority of 86 on Technorati, which is pretty good. I just posted an analysis yesterday of the 2012 Christmas Special, which I was really excited to see and write about. Check it out!

Ok, good night!

Website priorities

So, after my epic fail with my new Fancy Lala fanlisting (I didn't get it done in time, so it got removed from The Anime Fanlistings), I decided to focus on getting my existing websites shipshape.

The problem? I have 8 of them. That's right, EIGHT. Well, nine if you count the one-page domain hub for starry-dreamer.net (starrydreamer.net). Not to mention the various projects past and present on my web design portfolio site (every piece there is live), this blog, and another Blogger blog I'm working on (and which I will reveal soon - though if you've read my Blogger profile in the last month or so, you already know about it, since it's hosted on the same Blogger account as this blog).

Two of these 8 sites are fanlistings which only need to be updated every couple months to satisfy TheFanlistings.org rules. And if I can finally figure out a PHP fanlisting management script setup for those sites, that process will be easier to do. Even though I took a class in PHP, I still have trouble understanding the code for those scripts. ^_^ Anyway, these two sites are Come Fly with Me (a fanlisting for the TV show Pan Am) and Singing Soldiers (a SeraMyu fanlisting and a subdomain of my SeraMyu fansite Myu Corner). So hopefully those sites won't be much of a problem.

Most of my sites are under my personal domain, starry-dreamer.net. That base URL simply hosts a Flash page I made with stars featuring the various subdomains of that domain. I need to make a non-Flash version of that page for mobile. The domain is referred to as The Starry-Dreamer Galaxy. The "stars" of the Galaxy are: Come Fly With Me, Liquid Mercury, and Ayeka's Palace (which hasn't been moved to the galaxy yet).

Other than that, I have my author site, my web design portfolio, Myu Corner, and my new website PokéSideGames.com, a website devoted to Pokémon side and spin-off games. For a total of eight.

And, unfortunately, I am even more insane than that, because I am planning another site for a near future release. This site would be a complete redo of my planned PGSM fansite Sparkle Moon and would focus only on providing transcripts, my original intention for Sparkle Moon being that it would house PGSM transcripts, something that has been missing from the Internet since the fansite Shingetsu-PGSM went down. But now that the new anime is on its way, plus the fact that my friends at Miss Dream are almost done translating all the PGSM episodes, I have expanded this idea to include transcripts for each PGSM episode from both the TV-Nihon sub (the fansub of PGSM that most fans are familiar with) and Miss Dream's subs, as well as...*drumroll* TRANSCRIPTS OF THE NEW ANIME! Yep, I am going to attempt that. The scripts will come from the simulcast (assuming the simulcast has subs, which considering it's going to be supposedly simulcast worldwide, I'd be really surprised if it didn't) and from Miss Dream's subs (since they've already come out and said they are going to fansub the new anime). Why two sets? Well, for comparison's sake really. Plus, the site will feature transcripts of the PGSM omake segments and the Pin Spot interviews, which not even Shingetsu has!

This project is already begun; I have transcripts written up for Acts 1-3 of PGSM (which I did a while ago when I tried to make a HTML version of Sparkle Moon for a school project), for two of the Pin Spot interviews (Azama Mew and Komatsu Ayaka), and for the "Make Up!" special that aired a week before the series started. These are all based on TV-Nihon's subs though, so I still have to do the Miss Dream versions. But it's progress!

I still have to actually MAKE the site these will be on though. I suppose I could use a CMS for this (to take off the coding burden for the most part). But I am wary of using a CMS. One, because I don't know how to make a CMS look custom. Then again not a lot of people do - heck, there are people who get PAID just to create customized Wordpress blogs/sites (one of the girls in my Web Design 3 class did this for a living). And two, because I am at a stage where I would like to enter the web design industry, and thus I would like to prove my skills to potential employers. (Especially since I got a C in Portfolio Development, which means, from my teacher's POV anyway, something about my portfolio site must suck, cause I worked REALLY HARD in that class - with that and my other two classes, I literally had no life for the last 2-2 1/2 months of the semester). I suppose I could try to incorporate a JavaScript slider and stuff. And maybe a MySQL database for the transcripts themselves - well actually no, MySQL still stumps me. I was supposed to use it in my final project for my Dynamic Web Development class and it didn't work out. (Which reminds me - the video tutorials for that class, which I downloaded so I could have them for future reference, are currently trapped in Megaupload hell...I uploaded them there for backup purposes when I was rebooting my laptop, and now I can't get them back...grr). I don't know, I'll have to think about it.

Then there is my huge project known as The Anime Guides Database. This is barely started and probably won't debut for a little while. It's essentially a wiki for spoiler-free episode guides for anime series (and eventually anime films - both those based on series and standalones - and manga series). It will, hopefully, finally satisfy the desire I've had since I first got into anime 14 years ago to make a site that really encompassed all my anime/manga interest (well, ALL my interests really, not just my anime/manga interest, but I tried personal sites for that in the past and they didn't work out). And, being a wiki, I won't have to do all the content creation work, because a wiki is, by definition, collaborative.

The reason this won't debut for a while is that I know nothing about running a wiki, let alone writing for one. I wasn't even going to make it a wiki at first; I was going to make it a site with a forum attached to it through which people could submit stuff, similar to how Miss Dream used to be set up. But when I ran this by my friends on the Miss Dream staff a while back, they said a wiki would be a better idea. So, since they seem to be more web design-savvy than I am, I am going to take their advice and do a wiki instead. Most likely I will use Wikia or MediaWiki for this, since the existing fan wikis on the net (Wikimoon, Wookiepedia, Bulbapedia, etc) usually use one of those two methods.

So what I intend to do is to join some of the anime-based fan wikis - Bulbapedia, the Precure fan wiki, etc - as well as maybe similar fan wikis like the Winx Club wiki and the Avatar the Last Airbender/Legend of Korra wiki. As just a writer/participant. So I can learn the ropes. And also possibly make friends I can then invite to be part of my wiki in the future. Besides this, I did some research and found books on the subject, which I intend to find again & re-consult.

So at some point I may have 10 sites to take care of. Am I insane? Yeah probably. And it'll only be worse if/when I get a job as a designer and have client work to do too. I read somewhere that potential employers like it if you do personal web projects because that shows them you're self-motivated or something. But it will still be a lot of work.

I have been thinking of making sites for my planned Music Land Maestress, Sailor Grimm, and Enchanted Supermarket stories too. But I may make sites for those using website builders like Wix, since they're likely to be small sites. If I feel the need to make them bigger later, I can do that and host them on my own domain. Music Land Maestress I want to do first since I've decided to make it my NaNoWriMo project this year, and NaNo is coming up pretty soon (1st of November). That is if you can put your writing up at such a place...I don't know how NaNo works exactly cause I've never actually done it before. The other two sites, therefore, will come later. Especially since I'm starting to think I should take Gina Biggs's advice and seek out an artist partner for Enchanted Supermarket (since that's intended to be a web comic). As for the Sailor Grimm story (whose actual title is "Soldier of Hameln"), I need to at least finish Grimm's profile soon (by Halloween) so whoever gets me in the Secret Santa thing I entered Grimm in on DeviantArt will have something to go off of for his/her drawing.

I wrote priority lists for my website work, based on to-do lists I wrote up back during my vacation in August, on the one day I went and hung out at the CSUSM library for several hours to fight my boredom without spending a lot of money and also get some work done. I will try to get on it tomorrow (or today I guess).

I did pray about this the other day. I just felt a prompting to do it. I don't know where it came from. So I did, and I felt less anxious. Well, until I started writing this post and realized I am probably insane. But hopefully this will be a learning experience for me to get me to trust God more. We'll see.

Well it's late. Good night!