Sunday, October 25, 2009

Thoughts and stuff

It's been a long time since I wrote here, hasn't it? Like a month? There really hasn't been much to write. It's just been school, work, and now working on my novel. But since I don't want to mix my personal persona and my writing persona, I haven't been writing about my writing here.

I have to admit, it's hard to write a novel. I haven't gotten into the groove of writing every day. I thought I would, but I haven't. I fear that I lack the discipline. Also, I'm afraid I'll finish too fast if I write every day (I figured out if I wrote a chapter a day, I'd be done in three weeks). If I finish, then it'll be over. True, there's revision. But the creative act itself of the first draft, the act of writing magic if you will, would be over. I'd switch my writer hat for a proofreader hat. And proofreading's not nearly as fun.

To be honest, finishing a novel in the state of seriousness I'm in about writing would mean writing it and sending it off to agents or publishers. I just don't feel ready for that. As it is, I've just got more or less confirmation that I have Asperger's Syndrome (Dr. Feder didn't say yea or nay, but given the options he's suggesting it sounds like I have it). I'm not sure how to deal with that. I mean, I'm the one who wanted to know for sure. But at the same time, it's another label. I'm a geek, a Christian, a bookworm, and an Aspie. Once you have a label, people expect things from you. They expect you to act a certain way because of whatever preconceived notions they have of whatever label they have put on you. So you do, because you don't know how to defy their expectations.

For example, I've begun to perceive I am becoming the sort of "teacher's pet" student - the student the teacher really likes because he/she does so well, the sort of student the teacher points to as an example. This is particularly true in French class, where it seems I can't choose not to excel; even when I don't study for a test I ace it. But in my Press Publishing class I had a moment with a group project where my partner far exceeded me in what she did for it, and I felt like I didn't do anything. Since I'm usually the one who has to step up and lead a group that's going nowhere (part of the reason I don't like group projects), it was a weird experience for me. I've noticed lately that I don't speak up in class much anymore. I guess I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like being around a lot of people either. Even the Dome at its busy time is too much for me, which is probably why I've been eating my lunch earlier in the day.

I don't know why I'm so anxious right now...maybe because I'm sleep deprived (I haven't gotten much sleep the last couple weeks). Either that or I really do need those anxiety pills Dr. Feder was talking about. I've been sensitive at work lately, especially the last couple days. Even this afternoon, snuggled on the couch watching my recording of the "What's What" version of Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie, I don't think I was that happy.

I won't lie and say I enjoy work that much either. Having the long transit commute to read, do homework, or even work on my novel is nice, but after that, not so much. I'm in the deli, a department I'm not very experienced in. I drop fried chicken too slow. One of my coworkers is bossy. There are too many customers a lot of the time. I can't handle it.

It's not even the department. I don't like the job itself. I don't make that much, my hours change all the time, and they keep transferring me (this is my 5th store in only about 3 years). But I can't quit now. The economy is too bad right now for me to try to find another job. Besides, I've already been through the job hunt twice, I don't want to do that again, not now.

I feel old as well. I'm going to be 25 in three days. That's halfway to 30. I still don't have my bachelor's, I live at home, I don't have a car OR a driver's license, I've never dated, never even been kissed, AND I WORK AT A FREAKING GROCERY STORE. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT, DANGIT!!!!!!!!!

But I can't. I don't know how to live on my own. I'm horrible with money and I'm not street smart.

This is it. I'm going to die an old maid in my parents' house without having driven my own car or gone on a real date or kissed a boy. I'll never finish school and I'll never leave this freaking job.

*Later, at 7:54 PM*

I talked to Mom. I feel somewhat better now, though my allergies are really bad and I have a headache. I think The Amazing Race starts in a few minutes so I'm going to go watch it. Bye!