Sunday, February 26, 2006

Tired, confused, and stuff

I am soooo tired. I'm not even sure why I am writing in this if I'm so tired. I should probably take a nap or something. But I just need to vent about a couple things.

I finally got around to practicing piano at home again. I tried to do as much review as possible, and also do the new stuff, but it all didn't sound that good. I stopped to ask God to help and then went on. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe cause I'm tired, I don't know. It's just as well. I have history homework due tomorrow. I have to do reading and find some websites. Joy. Usually I get my history homework done early, during the week it's assigned, and don't wait till the weekend.

I'm worried. I'm not usually a slacker. Seriously. College has had a bad effect on me, I think, in that it has caused me to procrastinate and slack off, things I used to almost never do in high school. I also tend to stay up late more often and get less sleep. I also drink soda way more than I used to, and eat out way more than I used to.

I spent a good part of Friday and yesterday working on my room. On Friday, I cleaned pretty much everything except the closet. Yesterday I worked from around 11am to around 6pm, with a break for lunch, cleaning off the floor of my closet, going through the clothes in my closet and both my chests of drawers, and going through the boxes sitting on my closet shelf to see if I really needed to keep all that stuff. I went from 6 boxes to 2, pretty much emptied out my tall dresser and my closet of clothes, and totally emptied my short chest of drawers of clothes, since I don't wear anything out of there. Mum went through the bags of clothes yesterday (and I think a little today too cause I saw her today with one of my old Halloween costumes, which I had bagged) and I think she's going to take most of them to the homeless mission she volunteers at. Good riddance, I guess. Less is more. Of course now I have only a few pairs of pants that fit and no shorts at all, except for a couple pairs that we bought for me to wear over my swimsuit. But oh well.

Part of the reason I'm so tired is probably cause of all the work I did yesterday and also cause I walked 4 miles today, to and from Madison Middle School for church. Strangely, the sermon was about worry, which is exactly what's been on my mind lately. In fact, I've been eating a lot of toast lately...which means I'm probably depressed (carbs help calm you down), or maybe it's just menstrual (I'm just ending my period).

Maybe I won't nap. I mean, I have enough concentration to type all this, right? I guess I could just lie on my bed and read. If I was really truly tired, I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open, likely.

Some good stuff is happening, though, I guess. These two movies I really liked in the theater came out on DVD (Just Like Heaven and Elizabethtown) and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out on DVD in 9 days. Lenora seems to be in better moods the days I work with her. February is almost over, so hopefully I'll get my 4-day workweek back soon (I've been trying to be more sociable and be on my best behavior). I got through my first piano quiz and my first health test all right.

Tammy (a friend of mine who used to live here but then moved to Arkansas) sent me and some other people a link for a Brain Test. It tests whether you have a more male or more female brain. I landed somewhere in the middle. I wonder what that means...

I need a dose of funny-ness right now so I'm going to look in my joke book to see if there's a good joke I can end this with.

Here's one:

Patient: Doc, what would you recommend for an insomniac like me?
Doctor: A good night's sleep.

Maybe I will nap if that's the joke that catches my eye. sleepy


Saturday, February 18, 2006

Not sure what to call this

Overall, not a bad day. Mum was kind of strict though, saying I needed to work on my room (even though it wasn't that messy cause I had just worked on it) cause she said my room still smells. I have had problems with my room smelling for a while. I think it's partly cause my feet --particularly the soles of my feet--have this disposition (possibly genetic, since my dad has the same problem) to sweat more than normal and thus stink. Either that or something else that I have no idea what it is.

I had called Amy (best friend) yesterday to see if she wanted to get together today (cause I'm off work) and we did get together but not until the evening cause of my cleaning, which made me forget other stuff. Jesse (her husband) decided to come home early though so we only spent like 2 1/2 hours together. Most of that was spent getting dinner and trying to figure out how to hook things up to utilize the GBA Connectivity available in The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords.

I also found pictures for and created my Sailor Jupiter video, the last video I need to have made a Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon video for each of the scouts. I am going to do a Tuxedo Kamen one too I think, and maybe one on his girlfriend Hina to "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, one of Sailor Luna, maybe one of Mio (even though she's a bad guy) cause there's a lot of pics of her in the Special Act (when she makes herself Queen of the Dark Kingdom), and maybe either a general one or a Minako memorial one to the song "Friends" by Michael W. Smith (maybe the Jump5 version since that sounds really good). Although I guess it wouldn't make sense to do a Minako memorial one since I incorporated some of that in the Sailor Venus/Minako video. Plus they make this big deal with her dying on the show, but she obviously in some way gets resurrected or something, cause she's shown at the end of the Final Act and also in the Special Act (set four years after the Final Act), when she should be dead. Her death had nothing to do with her being a senshi (like how the senshis' deaths were at the end of seasons 1 and 5 of the anime and of the beginning and end of the manga); it was clear throughout the series that she had a terminal illness, and although I don't think it's ever said for certain what her disease is, I'm guessing it's probably some kind of cancer. This is because she does have a tendency to pass out (especially later in the series), which could be from chemotherapy, and also in Act 23 after talking to Rei, she is seen doing her checkup, and the huge thing they put her in looks very much like a MRI scanner, and I think MRIs are used in cancer treatment. If that is what she does every month, maybe she has brain cancer? The only thing refuting this is that she never seems to lose her hair, and it definitely does not look like a wig. Also there is talk of an operation, and cancer only really relies on operations to get tumors out, which seems impossible in Minako's case, since she says she'd have like a 0% chance of recovery if she had surgery. (Which suggests she died either on the operating table or in the recovery room, since in Act 47 she does go through with the surgery).

I made some headway with my major research, looking up the articulation of English majors at some Cal States on ASSIST. Basically will classes I take at jr. college transfer as lower division requirements.

However, I made the mistake of telling my mom this, and she went into the room and board speech again about how they can't afford room and board if I go away and to consider going to the nearby Cal State in another town in the county (I won't say which one so as not to reveal where I live besides the state). What she implies by this is that I would go there and live at home while doing so. Hello, what 20-something gal wants to live at home when she's already lived at home about three years going to community college? And what if I meet my future spouse there, and he's from around here too, and I end up living here for the rest of my life? I couldn't do it. I have this urge to travel that will not go away, and I know just living near where I was born and raised ain't gonna cut it. I mean, I don't have any like severe wanderlust or whatever, like I can't stay in a place long or anything.

My problem in terms of financial aid is that my parents are upper-middle-class white people. This means I am not likely to get any grants from the government. I would have to be like poor and Latina or something to get that (please...I am not racist...I'm just saying). Thanks to affirmative action and the desire of the government to help kids from poor families make it into college, most of the funds go to minorities and poor people. Not that those methods are horrible in and of themselves. I think it's good to help the disadvantaged and also help to diversify our schools with people of different races who might otherwise be underrepresented. I mean, at Tri-City, there were mostly white people, with a few African-Americans, one or two Asians, and a few "Persians" (as they called themselves, I'm not sure what the official term is).

I just wonder about me, and my brother, for that matter, who is almost out of high school. Neither one of us is likely to get a lot of money for college. Fortunately, he is better at saving money than I am, so I imagine he'll have some saved up. I am horrible at saving money, going through my paycheck usually as far as I can go so that pretty much nothing's left in savings.

All of this put a damper on my spirits, even though hanging out with Amy was fun. I guess I could talk to God about this, but I'm not too sure about his provision. I mean he's not just going to provide if I don't do anything. Don't they say, "Heaven helps those who help themselves"? It's not magic. Even though I've read stories of people who needed money for something and prayed and got a mysterious envelope in the mail with the exact amount of money they needed (or something similar), I feel kinda skeptical about that.

Speaking of spiritual stuff, the weirdest thing happened last night. Well maybe not weird, but it seems like a weird thing now, in terms of coincidences. Emilee, this girl in my Growth Group, felt I had opened up more and grown so much during Snow Blast, that she bought me A NEW BIBLE and a BIBLE COVER!! It was so random. I mean, it's not even my birthday or anything. The reason it seemed like a weird coincidence is I've been saying I needed a new Bible for months, cause my one from 5 years ago or so that Mum got me is literally falling apart. I put pieces of medical adhesive tape across the spine just so it would stay together for Snow Blast, for goodness sake! But I couldn't decide which one to get, cause I really want to do more with the Bible than just read it, but I'm not sure how to go about it. And here she goes and buys me a Bible. How weird. Believe me, I don't remember ever praying about this. It's like God knew I needed it, so he got me one. Which is really truly weird.

Speaking of Snow Blast, it was good. No snow, but oh well. The talks were on heaven, and Steve (the speaker) did this one dramatic monologue thing that I've seen him do before (he used to work for the church as head of student ministries then left to plant his own church) about a grumpy workaholic guy who goes to work and Jesus comes back and the guy experiences the believers' judgment and realizes his life has little eternal significance...and then at the end, it turns out to be a dream. (Figures). Yet he is inspired to live differently from then on. This got me to thinking about my own life and the lack of eternal significance in it. I prayed longer and harder than I have at all in recent years, taking time in the prayer room (a room in the lodge set aside for prayer and stuff) after breakfast and then some time during solo time sitting under a tree.

I did feel God telling me I needed to change. I also felt moved to pray for people who cannot assemble freely to worship God, but I have no idea why I felt this urging. As for the rest, I was so into it I'm not entirely sure what I said or what God said. I could try to say, but it would be a reconstruction at best.

I did feel closer to God this last weekend than at other camps. I even took a couple pictures of my solo time spot as mementos.

I need to stop writing this and get this stuff out of my head, at least for now. I would go to bed now, but I am waiting for my laundry so that at least some of my sheets will be clean and I'll have something to sleep under tonight. (I'm washing my sheets and blankets to see if that'll get out the smell in my room). I guess I could go take a shower, although I don't have any shampoo at present. I keep forgetting to buy shampoo cause of my smaller check this time around (I just spent $13 of my money buying dinner for Amy and I tonight, which means if I want more money I'll have to take out more, and after taking out $50 for Mum, my check of $103 and something was cut basically in half, and there's little left). I'll see if Mum has some I can use.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Negative thoughts log and thoughts on wellness project

For my health class, I have to log all my negative thoughts in a 24-hour period, write down the distortions of the thoughts, then come up with a positive alternative for those thoughts. Personally I don't really like the assignment. I don't like being that honest with anybody. Plus my thoughts don't look as good on paper. In fact, they look pretty dumb on paper.

We went to the library today as a class. I have done this so many times that during it I was really bored. Well I was really tired too. It did get me thinking though. I am not sure what to do for my Lifestyle Wellness project. I was thinking of doing something on sleep deprivation, since I do have a problem with that, but I'm sure a lot of people are going to do that. Then I thought about doing something about my social anxiety (I think cause the librarian who talked to us mentioned a reference work called the Encyclopedia of Phobias, Fears, and Anxieties). I don't know how I could make a plan to try to change that. I mean I don't have a car so it's not like I can drive downtown and go to clubs and stuff (even though I'm old enough to go clubbing).

Well I have a while to think about it, anyway. I need to focus on my Service Learning project, which is due at the end of March.

I'm tired so I think I'm going to bed now.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A bit of relief

Well I talked to Dannie and she said she had to shift some hours so she had someone who was more productive on cards and stuff on Saturdays. So part of it is me and part of it is not me. I forgot to ask her what I could do to be more productive. I'll have to do this next time I see her.

Yesterday though was annoying cause I had to leave the Naked Bean cause I was eating my lunch from somewhere else in there, which I had done before without anybody saying anything, cause somebody came up to me and told me I couldn't. Well I guess that was reasonable.

But Lenora made me throw away papers I had written some Bible verses down on from the Jewish Study Bible we got in on Monday cause supposedly copying down verses from a Bible that's not yours is "reproducing" it "in any form," which is supposedly copyright infringement. Grr. And she told me to make sure things were ok behind the counter before I did other things (I was looking at a college book while watching the front). For her, this means straightening bags, picking up trash, and other real menial things which she really harps on having done.

I guess that's all I have to say. More later.