Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #109: Time Wasters

Today's Video: "Use Your Time Wisely"

Discuss/Describe ways that you’re not using your time wisely.

I definitely waste a lot of time just playing around on the computer, not doing anything in particular. Same with wasting time on my phone or iPod. Now that I just bought a 3DS I've been wasting time with that. Also, I waste time eating when I'm not hungry, and picking my nails.

I hate doing nothing, so I'm always trying to do something, even if it wastes time. Not a great idea.

Definitely don't use enough time for God stuff though...

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #108: Jesus Take the Wheel?

Today's Video: "Steering"

Discuss/Describe a situation where you are sitting around waiting for God to change your life. In what way may God be waiting on you to start moving so that He can direct your life?

What to do with my future. For all I know it could be staring me in the face and I'm just missing it. 

I've known for a long time I wanted to write, and I seemed determined to go that route. But when I grew up and actually bothered to look into publishing, I think I kinda panicked, cause it was kind of overwhelming. I began to realize that just writing might not pay the bills, and that writing to publish would be hard. So I started trying to figure out something I could do as a day job, something "profitable," but in the end ended up majoring in English, a major which in no way leads to a specific job. And then in a not-very-well-thought-out decision, I decided, in the middle of my B.A., to pour blood, sweat, and tears into that web design certificate. 

Now writing is hard. Sometimes it doesn't flow so well, because now I have to actually think about what others will think of these expressions of myself. And I'm not gonna lie, I got burned by the CWCW. I had friends there, sure, but stick a real traditional writer with a Christian genre novel in with a bunch of avant-garde writers who are mostly poets, and it's just not gonna mesh well. Their 3-page-per-meeting limit didn't work well for workshopping a novel. And when I finally started just bringing poetry to make things easier, it was meh. (One person said my Petrarchan sonnet "Judge Frollo" [addressed to the character of that name from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and inspired by a song of his in the movie, "Hellfire"] should have more lines. Um, it's a can't have more lines! It was the first time I'd written a Petrarchan sonnet too). 

Still, sometimes, it does flow, and I am happy. Yesterday, I wrote 2,851 words for the novel I've been trying to work on this month for Camp NaNoWriMo (which, based on where I am, I am basically not going to win). It's a challenge cause I'm doing multiple first person for the first time. I've encountered it before in novels here and there (Chateau of Echoes has it, as do the Baby-Sitters Club Specials). I do write a lot easier in first person. It comes easier to me. I've been trying to branch out into third person also though. It's just harder. 

In what way may God be waiting on me to start moving so that He can direct my life? Maybe I need to be more proactive. My mom keeps saying things don't happen by magic, and that I need to stop acting like they will. She also says I need to speak up more and actually ask for what I want. (I usually beat around the bush instead of being direct). So I guess I need to set a goal and actually do something about it. Like if I want to be a writer and get my name out there, I need to, well, write first off. I need to get my author website shipshape. (I've been planning to get it updated and then have Web Design Relief, a group that's affiliated with Writer's Relief, look at it. It's quite a bit of money but I know it'll be worth it, because quite frankly I'm just not good at promotion, online or off. I have looked into it of course, but I just have no clue what the heck I'm doing). And then I need to get updated Writer's Market books and actually submit some stuff to magazines or journals, just to build publication credits. Cause all I have to show for publication credits fiction-wise is a handful of stuff from CWCW publications, a short story in the Anthology of Short Stories by Young Americans from 2003, and a self-published chapbook. 

Yeah, I think that's it. That's what I gotta do. Be proactive!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #107: Sharing Jesus

Today's Video: "Share Jesus"

Discuss/Describe what holds you back from sharing Jesus in your work, school, home?

Oh the dreaded question...

The truth? I feel like I don't know how. I have the knowledge for the most part. I've been a Christian for 20+ years, went to Christian school and to church my whole life. I've read the Bible cover to cover multiple times in multiple versions. I worked in a Christian bookstore even. So I have the theory. But not the practice. That was one thing I felt they didn't really teach at school. I suppose they might have in church, but maybe I wasn't paying attention. And because I worry a lot about what others think of me, I don't want to embarrass myself by trying and not doing very well.

I had this experience recently with my friend and coworker Geraldina. Easter was coming up and somehow we got on the topic of religion. I realized what was happening and knew I better seize the opportunity. But she's Jehovah's Witness, and I know nothing about what they believe. I just know they're those people who keep trying to give me magazines at the bus station. We ended up talking about the Trinity of all things. I tried to explain what I believe about it, but it didn't sound very convincing. I felt like I was just reciting something I'd learned. There wasn't conviction behind it. 

And that scares me. Do I actually believe all this stuff? Or is it just something I learned and can spit back out? I call myself a Christian, but do I really believe all I know about the Bible and everything, or am I just accepting it as true cause that's what a good Christian does? Like to keep up appearances?

Oh I a fake? Please God, I don't want to be a fake. Otherwise for 22 years I've been fooling myself. And that's sad.

No. There was a time I was definitely more committed to God. And I think some of that is still there. But somewhere along the line my fire kinda went out. 

I feel like one lousy Princess of Heaven right now. Not a good ambassador for Christ either. :(

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #106: Divine Appointment

Today's Video: "Pray for Me - Divine Appointment"

Discuss/Describe a person that was at the right place at the right time that you know was God ordered.

My friend Tara and her Chi Alpha group. I needed Christian companionship at the time I discovered Chi Alpha, and they provided it for me. In retrospect, I think God orchestrated that I would be at that school carnival where I found their booth and met them. Tara and I grew particularly close when I went through that one-on-one devotional for graduating seniors with her in my last semester. That was very useful.

Other than that, God has granted me some very nice and understanding teachers over the years, like Dr. Anover, Dr. Cucinella, Dr. Wilson, Mr. Cleveland my awesomely patient Web Design teacher, Mr. Prior my MAT 120 teacher, and Ms. Striebel from the Business Office Technology department, among others. Also Mrs. Morquecho, the librarian at my K-12 school who I got to know very well as a kid and worked for as an aide my senior year of high school.

I hadn't thought about divine appointments being someone coming along and meeting a need you really need met. I always thought of it as some mystical, destined thing that brought two people together at just the right moment. It's an interesting thought.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #105: Connection

Today's Video: "Recharge"

Discuss/Describe what you need to do to connect with God today so that you can be a source of encouragement to someone else.

Well there's this right now, doing devotions. Reading my Bible too. I think the biggest thing is prayer. I need to pray more. That will keep me charged throughout the day for sure.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #104: Walking Blind

Today's Video: "Blind Followers"

Discuss/Describe one thing in your life where you are just following the crowd without really knowing why.

My current workplace has a lot of gossip and drama going on. I usually try to be friendly with everybody, to avoid causing drama. And I know gossiping is bad. But a lot of people do it there, and my curiosity gets the better of me when I overhear things. Plus I want to fit in, and since everyone seems to doing it, I find myself doing it as well. And I hate myself for it. Especially since people feel they can confide in me too; I end up telling others that stuff sometimes and feel like I betrayed someone's trust. A few times I've gotten caught in the middle of two people's drama because I'm friends with both of them, and I find myself unable to choose a side. 

I hate myself for this and really need to make it stop.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #103: Every Breath You Take

Today's Video: "Asthma"

Discuss/Describe if God were the air you breathe, would you be thriving or suffocating today? 

I think I am probably somewhere in the middle. In some areas, I am not living up to the standard, while in others I am at least there. I could do a lot better though. 

Mostly I am confused at what the standard should be. I have a tendency to fall into the legalism trap and set the bar too high - like when I used to chastise myself for yawning in chapel. Other times I get complacent and settle for less than I should, because at least my life is in a place where I can control what happens and thus feel safe. I think I am a little afraid of going all-out for God, because I have known some people who were like that, and it seemed like they talked about nothing else but God, or at least worked God into every conversation. They were also really happy in a way that felt fake to me for some reason, even though it could've been genuine for all I know. I know God is supposed to be part of every part of our lives (Colossians 3:17, 23-24), but at the same time I don't want to sound like my religion is the only thing I'm interested in. I'm a geek; I have geeky obsessions. I can talk all day about linguistics or literature or Pokémon or Doctor Who. I can't do that with God. Even though I have the knowledge (thanks to years of Christian school and church), I can't get myself to talk about God enthusiastically like that. We are supposed to share the Gospel with boldness and stuff, but I can't. I'm not an evangelist. Even on spiritual gifts tests I don't score high for evangelist. (Though missionary was #2 on one of them). Usually my #1 is Knowledge. Which is basically collecting knowledge. The handout for this class on spiritual gifts that I took defines it as "to discover, accumulate, analyze and clarify information and ideas that are pertinent to the growth and well-being of the Body." And I do love to do research; I always have. But all Christians are supposed to witness (that's the Great Commission), and I haven't been doing great with that. I tend to hide that I'm even a Christian, to the point that people are surprised to find out I am one. That's not good. Jesus said we should not hide our light under a bushel. 

I need help. But I'm not sure where to turn for that. I guess it would help if I had the support of Christians. I haven't really been part of a Bible study or anything in a while. After I started at my current job, my schedule was so unpredictable that I stopped going to the college group mid-week meetings, and I haven't been part of a small group in a long time, except for the Chi Alpha meetings I went to my last year at CSUSM. CSUSM has a InterVarsity chapter, but I had gotten burned out by InterVarsity already at Mira Costa. The weekly meetings weren't feeding me as I'd like, although the Bible studies and the retreats were great. 

My current church, The Rock, has a discipleship school called Impact 195. I've considered trying it, but the idea that I might have to go on an overseas missions trip at the end scares me a little. Yes, me, whose #2 spiritual gift was Missionary on that one test. Mainly I'm worried I'll want to go on those trips for the wrong reason - namely to travel abroad, as I've always wanted to do but never have. There's nothing wrong with wanting to travel, of course, but on a missions trip, it's not about you, it's about the people you're going to minister to. I realize in retrospect that this sort of worry is probably pretty stupid, and is probably just me worrying over too many details. Besides the main trip I had that worry over - North Coast's college group's trip to Romania - was just about helping out at a camp that teaches kids English, which is something I could totally have done. I should try it. It might do me good. That is, if my schedule allows me to commit to it properly. That's the rub; with my current schedule situation and lack of a car, it's really hard to plan anything.

God please help me...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #102: Less Than The Best

Today's Video: "Airport Turkey"

Discuss/Describe an area of your life where you are currently settling for less than God has for you. 

I feel like my whole life is like this quite frankly. Though I'm hesitant to say my job, cause I got that after quite a bit of effort and prayer. It wasn't the best job for me skills-wise (I'm really overqualified for it), but at that point I was desperate. It does, however, pay decent, has security thanks to it being union, and has excellent health insurance. So for the time I was in school it was a good job.

If I could push myself to trust God more, to take more risks and to not worry so much about what others think, I might not settle so much. God wants us to have an abundant life, after all. And mine doesn't feel abundant right now. :(

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned.
--Beauty and the Beast, "Belle (Reprise)"

Betcha on land they understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick of swimmin', ready to stand!
And ready to know what the people know
Ask them my questions and get some answers
Like "What's a fire and why does it"--what's the word?--" burn?"
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world.
--The Little Mermaid, "Part of Your World"

Why do all my dreams extend
Just beyond the riverbend?
--Pocahontas, "Just Beyond The Riverbend"

I'm almost there, I'm almost there
People 'round here think I'm crazy
But I don't care
Trials and tribulations, I've had my share
But that ain't gonna stop me now 
Cause I'm almost there.
I remember Daddy told me
"Fairy tales can come true.
But you gotta make 'em happen,
It all depends on you."
So I work real hard each and every day
And things for sure are going my way.
--The Princess and the Frog, "Almost There"

"Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing.
-- Mary Margaret Blanchard, Once Upon a Time

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #101: There in the Clutch

Today's Video: "Star Player"

Discuss/Describe someone that always comes through for you in the clutch situations.

My parents come through for me in a clutch, I think, though I don't always appreciate that they do.

I think I come through in a clutch to people at work, cause I always try to help out. Miyuki in particular has expressed her appreciation of me doing this. Actually I learned how to blow up balloons because of this. (Patricia the HABA girl was manning the balloon station one year the day of the nearby high school's graduation, and I was bored and asked if she needed help). I also try to help people on the bus who aren't sure how to get somewhere, cause I've been riding the bus for 10+ years. 

I could probably do better though...

Monday, April 21, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #100: Slime

Today's Video: "Slime and Snake"

Discuss/Describe what is the “slime trail” that you are leaving behind you.

Probably the bad tendency I've developed of gossiping and of talking bad about people behind their back. If anything would leave a trail, that would. Cause that affects people whether I mean for it to or not. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a lie. Like Thumper from Bambi said, if you can't say something nice, best to say nothing at all. 

I can't undo what I've done in the past, but hopefully I can work on ridding myself of that slime in future. The Bible says, "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you," and I certainly wouldn't want someone talking trash about me behind my back or gossiping about me. So why would I do it to other people? Sadly, I think it's because a lot of people at my work do it, and I want to fit in. Yeah, that badly. That needs to change.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #99: Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!

Today's Video: "Empty Tomb - Easter Sunday"

Discuss/Describe whether you believe what Jesus said in God’s Word, or you pick and choose what you want to believe. What are some areas in your life where you compromise?

I do believe what Jesus said, but I know I don't always practice what I preach. I compromise on trying to fit in the most of all. Oh and not trusting God enough.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #98: Being Misunderstood

Today's Video: "Hermes"

Discuss/Describe a previous conversation where you tried to explain yourself, but kept being misunderstood? Was it because "how you said it" was not matching "what you were saying"?

Well there are times I haven't been understood because of a language barrier - like I tried to speak Spanish to someone at work and failed, mainly cause I didn't know all the words in Spanish for what I wanted to say in English.

But there are probably definitely times I have tried to explain myself and been misunderstood. I often think of what I'm saying as I'm saying it, rather than before. So something that sounds good in my head might not sound so good out loud. Same with thoughts - I tend to vocalize my thoughts (it's an Asperger's thing), which means sometimes I say things out loud that I didn't mean to say out loud.

So it has happened, yes.

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #97 (Catchup): Thorns

Video: "Crown of Thorns"

Discuss/Describe the “crown of thorns” in your life that is breaking God’s heart.

Well I haven't been trusting him like I should the last several years. I haven't been letting him control and guide my life. And I've probably caused myself a lot of unnecessary stress and pain because of it. And yet I am afraid to let go, because it's a risk and I don't know what's going to happen if I do. It could be scary. I like to be able to predict the outcome of things, or reasonably predict them.

I hadn't thought of that being like a crown of thorns though. Freaky!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #96: Gone But Not Forgotten

Today's Video: "Unknown Soldier"

Discuss/Describe the good deeds that God has produced in your life. Now give praise to God, who is the author of the good in your life and remember His goodness to you.

I have been able to help people at my various workplaces. I have been able to help people by explaining things. I help when asked and when not. I am kind (most of the time); I try to be at peace with everyone, to not cause any drama. I try to be loyal to my friends. 

Thank you God, for the goodness in my life. Help me to recognize it more often and to give you praise for it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #95: Different Perspective

Today's Video: "Perspective"

Discuss/Describe something you are going through right now that you need a higher/better/bigger perspective on.

My future. I feel rather lost on that count, not sure what direction to go. I know God's not going to show me every piece of the puzzle, of course. But I could definitely use a better perspective on it cause then maybe I wouldn't worry about it as much as I do. Maybe I would be more willing to let go and let God. At least I hope.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #94: That Still, Small Voice

Today's Video: "St. Paul's Cathedral"

Discuss/Describe what God is whispering to you. What must you do to hear God’s still, small voice, and ignore what the world is screaming?

Probably that he loves me and that I can trust him, and that I am special and pretty and not useless, and the opposite of all the other lies I believe. That despite what I or the world might say, I am his child, his daughter, his princess, and that's not going to change. 

I used to have this daydream about this. I knew I was God's daughter, his princess, and I imagined that every time I came to him in prayer or whatever, it was like a princess entering a throne room to see her father the king. But my vision of myself as said princess was never very good, because I knew my Christian life was a mess. I always viewed myself as not a pretty princess, and my princess dress as worn and old, and my overall look as not very positive or appealing. In retrospect, I suppose this says a lot about my self-image. I should have a better image of myself at least in that situation. Or at the very least believe that the King (God) believed I was beautiful, even if I didn't. Him, and the Crown Prince (Jesus), and my Royal Guard (guardian angel(s)). 

I think I need to stop and be still, otherwise I'm not going to be able to hear God's still, small voice. Often I don't. I hate being bored, hate sitting around doing nothing. So I usually don't take time to just stop and be still, because I feel like I should be doing something else, anything else. Don't waste time, I'll say. There's always something I could be doing. I'm a Martha, as I've said before. If only I could calm down...

There is a lady all in white
She sings me a lullaby
She's nice to hear
And she's soft to touch
And she says, "Cosette,
I love you very much."
--"Castle on a Cloud," Les Misérables 

Little voice inside keeps calling
Little voice inside me cries
Little voice inside keeps calling
Little voice - oh won't you be my guide. 
--"Little Voice Inside," Jaci Velasquez

Monday, April 14, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #93: Injection

Today's Video: "Spiritual IV"

Discuss/Describe one characteristic of God that you could benefit from being directly injected into your heart today. Patience? Joy? Love? Wisdom? And explain why.

Patience definitely. I am very not patient. If I could be more patient I think that would take away a lot of my stress. I might be more content too. Cause I struggle with being content, and I think a large part of that is my inability to wait for things. Kinda like Veruca Salt: "Don't care how/I want it now." She's not willing to wait till she gets home from the factory for all this stuff, she wants it now. And unfortunately she's got parents who cater to those whims (as her Oompa Loompa song goes, "Who do you blame when your kid is a brat/Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat/Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame/We all know who's to blame/The mother and the father"). 

But, as they say, good things come to those who wait. And God's timing isn't our timing. So anyway, I could definitely use a direct injection of patience.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #92: Acting Selfish

Today's Video: "Pray for Me - Pure Heart"

Discuss/Describe that one thing that causes you to react selfishly, with ego and/or pride.

It's hard to think of one single thing. But I guess the things I get all defensive about it, that might be pride. 

My time I guess is one. My time and my money. I'd like to use them as I want. If I have a day off, I'd rather use it to do stuff I want than to clean my room or do whatever else my mom tells me to do. And my money I like to use as I like, to buy what I like. 

I have been told I act kinda entitled sometimes, and that I will admit is true. :(

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #91: Memories

Today's Video: "Hug Your Kids"

Discuss/Describe your favorite memory with your dad. What kind of memories do you want your kids to have of you? 

My dad and I used to go out on dates sometimes. A different restaurant every time. It was fun to have some time just the two of us. He's also always been good at comforting me. Like the time I was sleeping and all the sudden I had trouble breathing. I went and spent the night with him once that happened. (My parents were living apart temporarily at that time). 

I hope that my kids - once I have any - will remember me as a mom who cares about them and is involved in their lives. I may end up being a geeky mom, unfortunately. But oh well, not much I can do about that. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #90: Deflated

Today's Video: "Helium"

Discuss/Describe what burdens you, what “deflates your balloon.” If your heart is heavy, do you have friends who can lighten your load?

Currently, my job deflates my balloon. I mean, it's a good job, with great benefits and good pay, but it's just not a good fit. And that bugs me. I mean, I knew it real early on, and yet I stuck it with it all this time.

Another thing that deflates my balloon is worry. Well, worry and fear. That's going to bring you down no matter what. Worry and fear about many things. I'm a Martha.

Do I have friends who can lighten my load? Yeah, I guess, but only really at work now that I'm out of school. I don't really have any Christian friends I can turn to except Amy and I guess Tara from Chi Alpha. Also online friends like Elly or the people at The Anomaly forum. Oh and my NaNoWriMo regional group, for writing stuff. So not that much.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #89: Living in a Fishbowl

Today's Video: "Fish Bowl"

Discuss/Describe what spiritual fish bowl you are living in. Do you know what is keeping you from growing spiritually?

I guess I am living in a fishbowl of fear. Fear keeps me from doing a lot of things. Like not going to job fairs and such (like I am today). And one big fear has to do with me literally "living in a fishbowl" - as the expression goes - fear of what others will think of me. I think this is keeping me from growing spiritually for sure.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #88: Do You Believe?

Today's Video: "Empty Tomb"

Discuss/Describe whether you believe what Jesus said in God’s Word, or you pick and choose what you want to believe. What are some areas in your life where you compromise?

Well I do try to fit in with others, because I am worried about what others think of me. I also compartmentalize my life, so that God and church is only part of my life, not my whole life. I avoid risk because I don't want to lose control. I don't trust God as I ought to. I claim I want to use my writing talent for God, yet lately I've been writing stuff that's not explicitly Christian. I know my spiritual gifts but I'm not sure I'm using them. 

So I guess I don't really believe everything Jesus said. :(

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #87: Competing

Today's Video: "Gangsta Love"

Discuss/Describe something or someone that is competing for your love for God today. 

All the things I have to do, my projects. I'm devoting more time to them than to God, and that's not good. 

Monday, April 07, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #86: Wrong Direction

Today's Video: "U-Turn"

Discuss/Describe an area in your life that is headed in the wrong direction. (Or maybe it’s your whole life.) Connect with a leader at a church to receive eternal guidance.

I feel lost, mostly. I am not sure what direction I'm going, but I feel like maybe I was going the right direction, but I made some mistakes and now I'm lost. I'm beginning to think doing that web design certificate was a mistake. It was added stress when I was already trying to get a four-year degree, and since my graphic design skills aren't good, I don't think I could do well doing web design. I don't have the technical knowledge for technical writing, the people skills for content management, or the drive for web writing. Mainly what I like to do is write stories. But that isn't guaranteed to pay the bills, and I need a steady income if I'm going to live independently.

I feel like probably the answer to what I should do for a career is staring me right in the face, and God is waiting for me to stop being stupid and actually "get it." Gah it must be so frustrating to be God. You know exactly what your children are meant to do, but they just don't see it, they don't get it. Thankfully, God is a lot more patient than me.

And that's the thing. I am very impatient. And also since I was a kid I have developed this twisted idea that things just happen by magic (or at least this is what my mom used to tell me when we'd have arguments). I know you have to work hard to get stuff that's really worth it. And I can work hard. I guess it's my impatience. And also a lack of self-discipline - or maybe motivation - when it comes to doing stuff I don't like to do, like exercise or clean or job search. Like in my Beginning Piano class. I didn't have the motivation to practice at home as much as I should've done, except when a test was coming up and I had to learn a piece. I was only taking that class because I needed the units anyway, and it was available. (I'm beginning to wish I had gone to Palomar rather than Mira Costa. They have more class offerings, plus they're big on writing there so I would've had more writing opportunities from the start). 

I was selfish and got a degree in something I love rather than something that specifically leads to a job. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it, as the expression goes. Hopefully I can get some guidance...

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #85: Fear

Today's Video: "Pray for Me - Fear"

Discuss/Describe a situation where you responded in fear and not wisdom? How did that work out?

Oh boy I've responded to a lot of things in fear. It practically rules my life. Often times when faced with a situation that is stressful, I get worried. And worry comes from fear. At my current job, I've had a paranoia often times that if I messed up on anything, they would fire me. This is because part of the reason I was let go from my last job was because they asked me to change certain behaviors and I didn't. I don't stop and ask God what to do, respect his opinion. I just worry, or I complain. If not that, I try to control things myself, use my "scripts" that I have in my head to get me through certain situations (an attempt to compensate for my social difficulties, a symptom of my Asperger's). That's why I like life to be predictable - cause then I know what to do, how to act, what to say, etc. I don't look like a bumbling idiot trying to feel my way through an unexpected situation. Cause I want to look like I have it together.

How did it work out? Not always very well. It just generally makes my life full of fear and negativity and dissatisfaction. Not very pleasant at all.

Saturday, April 05, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #84: Fix Yourself

Today's Video: "Dishwasher"

Discuss/Describe something that you mistakenly thought you needed to fix yourself before you could be good with God.

I've been like that in general. I thought that if I wasn't some perfect Christian, following the rules and doing everything I'm supposed to do, I couldn't be good with God. I used to scold myself for yawning during chapel for goodness sake! But God accepts us as we are, and I need to accept that.

Friday, April 04, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #83: Lack of a Foundation

Today's Video: "Boots"

Discuss/Describe a time that you slipped and fell into a bad situation because you didn’t maintain God as your solid foundation.

Well definitely the thing with Kyle. I developed feelings for him and that whole thing ended in disaster and a broken heart for me. That was NOT fun.

There are probably others but that one stands out right now.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #82: Comfortable but Destructive

Today's Video: "Chair"

Discuss/Describe what are the comfortable but destructive relationships you have in your life? How do you remove yourself from them? 

Well my relationship with Kyle wasn't constructive ultimately, but that's in the past.

I guess being around people who are negative is destructive because it makes me negative. Like for example, I never used to be as negative about my job till I started being around Miyuki and Jerry, both of whom make it no secret that they want out of there though they have yet to take action on said threats. I mean, yeah, I don't like my job, but I mostly kept that to myself. Now I'm vocal about it. Except that because I'm so darn indecisive, I haven't done anything about it either. I mean, I'm not going to be rash; obviously, I won't leave my current job till I have something else lined up. But being negative about it isn't making going to work any easier. Unfortunately, I can't always escape Miyuki - Jerry I can cause he works in dairy box and I don't encounter him often - and she is my friend, her negativity aside. But I guess I need to "think happy thoughts." Or as the Bible says: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things" (Phil. 4:8, NIV). Maybe that will help?

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #81: Failure

Today's Video: "Shame or Guilt"

Discuss/Describe an area of your life, or your entire life, where you feel like a failure or a mistake.

Being a perfectionist - "three times a perfectionist," as I like to say, cause I'm an eldest child, a Scorpio, and an Aspie, all three of which are associated with being a perfectionist - makes failure a big problem for me. I try to do everything right, and right the first time so that I don't have to do it over again. And if someone asks me to redo it, I get irritated.

I mainly feel like a "failure to launch." I'm 29, I still live with my parents, I don't have a car or a driver's license, I've never dated anyone, and I haven't started my career. Instead I've spent the last 12 years working part-time jobs for little money and even less satisfaction. I didn't do internships or any of that other stuff you're supposed to do during college to help you get ahead of the pack career-wise. It's not that I didn't want to; it's just without a car - and especially with my unpredictable work schedule once I started at my current job - I felt like there was no way I could make it work, school and a part-time job and an internship. Even now that school isn't part of the picture, my work schedule is so unpredictable that I feel like I can't plan anything.

I also feel like a failure as a Christian, because I've never witnessed to anybody before. I don't invite people to church even though I know I should, mostly for the stupid reason that without a car I wouldn't be able to pick them up. I pretty much hide the fact that I am a Christian, to the point that people are surprised to learn I am one. I know I don't always act like one. Granted, evangelism is not among my spiritual gifts (based on the tests I've taken), but all Christians are supposed to witness to people (that's what the Great Commission is about, after all), so that's no excuse. I'm just one of those people who can talk up a storm about practically anything except God. I don't know why...

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #80: Corruption

Today's Video: "Cat Filter"

Discuss/Describe who are the corrupt people in your life. How can you become “allergic” to them?

I know I should stay away from people who gossip and talk bad about people behind their back. Cause I seem to have picked up the habit too. And I know it's wrong, but I end up doing it anyway, to fit in. How can I become "allergic" to them? Well, unfortunately, I work with most of them. But I guess I can just not listen to their conversations. That's usually why I listen to music when I'm in the break room. At the times I overhear it when I'm working and can't resort to that, I'll just have to ignore it, I guess. Focus on my work. 

Part of the problem is I'm very curious - with that reporter sort of curiosity - and probably a bit nosey too, so sometimes I want to know what people are talking about.

Of course a lot of times this gets me involved in others' drama, which I usually try to avoid doing. I don't like causing drama or being caught up in it. Sometimes I can't prevent it - people sometimes confide in me out of the blue. I don't know why this is - do I have a real trusting face or something? (Granted, it goes both ways - sometimes I find myself talking about real personal stuff about me with total strangers or people I know online but have never met. That's probably not a great idea). 

So I need to be "allergic" to gossiping and talking behind others' backs. Basically.