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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Bombardment of confusion

I'd thought that since I picked my classes and gotten that in order, and that work was overall going ok that I would be happy right now. But I'm not.

First of all, my spiritual life is a mess. I don't know why I even work in a Christian bookstore. Sure, I'm a Christian, but I'm a rotten one. I can't understand or apply the Bible, I probably have just as many or more non-Christian friends as I do Christian friends, I barely pray, I can't get anything out of the Christian Living books I read, I seem to have a fascination with magic right now (Harry Potter, Winx Club, Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, and my two magic-related video games, Tales of Symphonia and Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles)--which is supposedly wicked for a Christian considering how many "prevent your child from becoming a Wiccan" books there are out right now--and there are definitely times I don't obey my parents and lie, plus I have stolen in the past, and I am more or less obsessed with money and with enjoying things. If something is boring or not enjoyable, I want to get out of it. What happened to good ol' Christian perseverance? Out the window. Plus I worry about what people think. A LOT.

Second, my worries (another sign of my spiritual mess) about career and future have been heightened lately with thoughts about school approaching, and the seemingly endless vocational tech school commercials that are on TV right now. They all talk about how great and fulfilling it is to be a medical assistant, massage therapist, graphic designer...well sorry but I stink at art and I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE MEDICAL FIELD!!!! I have said that a gazillion times. I have no desire to be in the medical field (cause my math and science grades stink and I know I wouldn't be able to handle the exposure to blood and body parts), nor do I want to join the armed forces (another thing they push for people my age since they pay for your schooling once you've served your term of duty), since again, I can't stand the sight of blood (except my own...I can handle that, and in the movies only to an extent), plus chances are I would get sent to Iraq and probably be killed or taken hostage or something, even if I was working in intelligence like my uncle. Which is another reason why I don't want to be in the armed forces. People would say I went into it because my uncle and both grandfathers had served or are serving (in my uncle's case) in the armed forces. It'd be even worse if I joined the Navy, since my uncle is in the Navy, and my dad's dad was in the Navy (ok, the Seabees, but it's part of the Navy), or the Coast Guard since my mom's dad was in that.

I don't want to go into something just cause someone in my family is currently doing it or has done it. I also don't want to go into something that's a stereotypical women's job, like being a teacher, nurse, or secretary, which have been strictly women's jobs for decades. Then people would say "Oh of course she's a teacher/nurse/secretary. She's a woman," and feminists would hate me. Plus teachers don't get paid very much, and according to my mom, money is the key thing. (Ok, she didn't use those words, but that's what I get out of what she does say). I think this is why she doesn't seem to support me being a writer, which is what I have wanted to be for years but am worried I can't be cause I have to make money so I can move out before I like, turn 40, and if I train for another career on the side, I might get mega involved in that and never write, or some weird thing like that.

Good God, I don't know what I'm doing. I wish people would quit asking me what my major is and all that crud. I wish I had direction for my life. I mean, even Amy, whose life took a major turn when she became a mother at 18, has found direction for her life by training to work in web design. Kalei is going to be a equine massage therapist. My brother is going to be a firefighter. (Heck, even my 16-year-old brother knows what he wants to do and I don't!! What is wrong with me?!) EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO EXCEPT ME!!! DID I MISS THE "LIFE DIRECTION TRAIN" OR SOMETHING?!

Ok...I have to stop writing. I need to clean my room and plus I am on the verge of crying here. Later.

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