Thursday, August 04, 2005

Should I get my A.A.?

I was thinking just now about school. Instead of transferring, I could get my A.A. and graduate, and then at least I'd have a degree, of a sort. Then I wouldn't be under pressure to choose a school to transfer to.

What am I saying? If I defer my education, I'll end up like my mom, going back to school after having a family (same with Amy). I want to get through school, travel, build a life for myself, and then settle down.

Oh God...I don't know what to do. Why won't you answer my prayers for guidance?! Couldn't you at least give me a clue as to what to do with my education? Or have I misstepped your guidance already by going to a secular school? Believe me, if I could've afforded it, I would've gone straight to Biola like I'd planned, and spend those two "formative years" (freshman and sophomore year) at university, like Dr. Dobson said to do (in Life on the Edge). But school costs money, and even community college isn't cheap.

I wonder if I have too high expectations for myself. Somehow I see how my mother chose to do her higher education -- going back to school after having 2 kids, finishing her degree over a 2-year period of a degree completion program, and then doing her master's -- as beneath me, which is wicked. I want to be different from her. I want to be done with college and stuff before I marry, like Papa did. Is that so bad, though...? I don't know...

I don't want to be a peacock, all prideful and all. "Pride goeth before a fall," as the Proverbs say. But I guess I am a haughty person. A haughty, indecisive, too talkative person. A worrywart to boot, which a on-fire Christian shouldn't be. Jesus said not to worry.

I guess, in Christianity, it doesn't matter what a Christian should and shouldn't be or say or do. We are all sinners, after all, and "have fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). Grace is the epitome of all that Christianity stands on.

Oh, I'm so confused...I can't write about this anymore or I'll make myself depressed.

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