Discuss/Describe if God were the air you breathe, would you be thriving or suffocating today?
I think I am probably somewhere in the middle. In some areas, I am not living up to the standard, while in others I am at least there. I could do a lot better though.
Mostly I am confused at what the standard should be. I have a tendency to fall into the legalism trap and set the bar too high - like when I used to chastise myself for yawning in chapel. Other times I get complacent and settle for less than I should, because at least my life is in a place where I can control what happens and thus feel safe. I think I am a little afraid of going all-out for God, because I have known some people who were like that, and it seemed like they talked about nothing else but God, or at least worked God into every conversation. They were also really happy in a way that felt fake to me for some reason, even though it could've been genuine for all I know. I know God is supposed to be part of every part of our lives (Colossians 3:17, 23-24), but at the same time I don't want to sound like my religion is the only thing I'm interested in. I'm a geek; I have geeky obsessions. I can talk all day about linguistics or literature or Pokémon or Doctor Who. I can't do that with God. Even though I have the knowledge (thanks to years of Christian school and church), I can't get myself to talk about God enthusiastically like that. We are supposed to share the Gospel with boldness and stuff, but I can't. I'm not an evangelist. Even on spiritual gifts tests I don't score high for evangelist. (Though missionary was #2 on one of them). Usually my #1 is Knowledge. Which is basically collecting knowledge. The handout for this class on spiritual gifts that I took defines it as "to discover, accumulate, analyze and clarify information and ideas that are pertinent to the growth and well-being of the Body." And I do love to do research; I always have. But all Christians are supposed to witness (that's the Great Commission), and I haven't been doing great with that. I tend to hide that I'm even a Christian, to the point that people are surprised to find out I am one. That's not good. Jesus said we should not hide our light under a bushel.
I need help. But I'm not sure where to turn for that. I guess it would help if I had the support of Christians. I haven't really been part of a Bible study or anything in a while. After I started at my current job, my schedule was so unpredictable that I stopped going to the college group mid-week meetings, and I haven't been part of a small group in a long time, except for the Chi Alpha meetings I went to my last year at CSUSM. CSUSM has a InterVarsity chapter, but I had gotten burned out by InterVarsity already at Mira Costa. The weekly meetings weren't feeding me as I'd like, although the Bible studies and the retreats were great.
My current church, The Rock, has a discipleship school called Impact 195. I've considered trying it, but the idea that I might have to go on an overseas missions trip at the end scares me a little. Yes, me, whose #2 spiritual gift was Missionary on that one test. Mainly I'm worried I'll want to go on those trips for the wrong reason - namely to travel abroad, as I've always wanted to do but never have. There's nothing wrong with wanting to travel, of course, but on a missions trip, it's not about you, it's about the people you're going to minister to. I realize in retrospect that this sort of worry is probably pretty stupid, and is probably just me worrying over too many details. Besides the main trip I had that worry over - North Coast's college group's trip to Romania - was just about helping out at a camp that teaches kids English, which is something I could totally have done. I should try it. It might do me good. That is, if my schedule allows me to commit to it properly. That's the rub; with my current schedule situation and lack of a car, it's really hard to plan anything.
God please help me...