Saturday, March 08, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #56: Personal Challenges

Today's Video: "Grass Roots"

Discuss/Describe a personal challenge you are struggling with. What do you think is the root of that problem? 

I have trouble trusting God, letting him have control over my life. I think the root of it is that I don't like feeling like I'm not in control of things. Whether that's pride or fear or something else, I don't know. (I know I am prideful). I guess it's fear, cause the idea of letting go and letting God does scare me, to be honest. And fear - of the unfamiliar, of what others think, of risk - is what keeps me from doing most things. I'd rather stay where it's safe, where I can predict or even control what's going to happen.

One sign of this is that I tend to cope with life by thinking of it like a play, where I have internal scripts telling me what to say and how to act. Cause I don't want to be caught off guard, be unable to control a situation and look like a fool. 

Just the other day, my coworker Adam basically revealed to me that some of our coworkers are gay. Including two girls. How he knows this, I don't know. He's not that social or anything (he has Asperger's like me, but it's more obvious in his case). And a lot of people on the front end, where he works, don't like him cause he tends to stand around and not do his work. Plus he's always complaining about stuff, like his schedule (though since he gets Social Security Disability because of his autism, that complaint is more legit, because if he makes too much he won't be able to get that anymore). That made me uncomfortable. Cause I don't know how to act around gay people. I was brought up to believe homosexuality is a sin. So just being around gay doesn't feel right, as awful as that sounds. Even after I found out about this, I was walking to the time clock and saw one of the girls who he'd said was gay, whose name is Yuni. And without really thinking, I said to myself "Yuri Yuni" in a kinda judgmental way which I regretted immediately. (Yuri is a term used in the anime and manga world for girl x girl romance; basically it's the female version of the better-known yaoi). 

Somewhat ironically, that same day I discovered Mark Gatiss, one of my favorite Doctor Who writers and the one who'd always been the showrunner in my fantasies about my Doctor Who fanfic The Companion's Diary of Alyson "Alys" Reed becoming a miniseries, is gay. In retrospect, I guess I should've figured that out already, since his fashion style does seem like what you sometimes see gay guys wear on TV. (I have no idea where I got that idea...bear with me). Come to think of it, Mycroft Holmes in Sherlock (who is played by Gatiss, in a series Gatiss co-created) never seems interested in women.

Gah. I sound SO ignorant and homophobic. Forgive me.

So yeah I think it's fear, ultimately.

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