Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Miles-a-Minute Challenge #24: Covering Up

Here's my challenge answer for today's Miles-a-Minute video, "Make Up."

Discuss/Describe one character flaw that you cover up and how you cover it up. What do you actually accomplish by covering it up?

I cover up how concerned I am about what others think of me. I try to act all friendly and put together, but in reality I am daily scared that if I do something wrong or stupid at work, I'll get fired (especially when I accidentally broke the glass front of the service deli's hot case while closing their department a little while ago, and yesterday when Rosanelly chewed me out for baking our French bread in the oven at the same time as service deli's whole chickens, claiming that that's cross-contamination, even though they were on separate racks and I changed the temperature and everything...service deli's not even supposed to use our oven for their chicken, but sometimes they break down their oven really early and then have to use our oven to make more chicken). And I want people to like and accept me, which is why I try to be friendly with everybody and avoid the crazy drama that happens at my work. I do this in other areas of my life too - try to be at peace with everyone, not rock the boat. Not that there's something wrong with that - Paul wrote "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Romans 12:18, ESV), and in Hebrews it says "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14, ESV). But I think in my desire to be accepted, I have made myself a bit of a doormat, someone who's not able to stand up for myself because I'm afraid of what people will think if I do. And that's a problem obviously. 

What do I accomplish by covering it up? Not much. It usually doesn't stay covered up for long. Usually it bubbles up by way of venting, complaining, or in extreme cases, tears. It reminds me of the SeraMyu song "Ii Ko wa Yameta" (The Good Kid Quit), in which the usual good and kind Ami, now turned evil by the Dead Moon Circus, sings: "Friends and adults, everyone says I'm the one who's a good kid. What is it! Being a good kid! Studious, well mannered, always in good spirits, gentle, and smiling. Shut up! I've had it! Shut up! Disgusting! I stopped being a good kid!" It's that sort of frustration that I feel when I keep these feelings bottled up inside me. I get bitter too. I swear, there are days I get so frustrated I just want to punch somebody. (I don't, of course...I'm not stupid. Usually on those days I either try to calm down or I work out my anger by playing some fighting video game like Super Smash Bros or Soul Calibur where I can beat the crud out of some non-realistic virtual people). The fact that I'm also a perfectionist doesn't help matters. And also people with Asperger's sometimes have trouble expressing their feelings. So there's that. I do have that problem; I'll feel something but not know how to explain what I'm feeling in words. 

So not sure how to be honest about this...sometimes I can be, but other times it's hard. At least I have places like this diary to share them. As the Jem and the Holograms song "Dear Diary" goes: "Who do I turn to when I'm feeling bad/Whether I'm happy, angry or sad/It's you dear diary/It's true dear diary/It's you dear diary/You set me free...Personal secrets (dear diary)/Where can I share them (dear diary)/Ongoing problems (dear diary)/Where do I air them/With you dear diary."

"Ii ko wa Yameta" lyrics from <a href="">Innocent-Ami</a>.

"Dear Diary" lyrics from <a href="">Rock Jem</a>.

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